||[02 Sep 2012|12:25pm]
So yesterday I made a deal with my mom, because like I want to come to her house on weekends--she has food, and Baby. So she said she'd come pick me up, but I had to go with her to the Bruce Springsteen exhibit at the National Constitution Center. I had something else I'd wanted to try to do that evening, but it turned out of COURSE she gave the car to my sister anyway, so I couldn't have gotten there. We were done in the city by like 1 pm or something, but as soon as we got done our other errands (produce stand, library, 2 different grocery stores because one didn't have my favourite soup, and Chinese restaurant), she gave my sister the car. What a surprise! Doesn't matter if I ever want to use it, it's basically not even my mother's car, my sister just always has it. My sister claims she's getting a car in the next few weeks. Since she's constantly saying she has no money, doesn't have enough for rent, etc, I'd love to know how she's going to manage that. I hope she does, though. It'd be a huge relief for my mother and maybe sometimes I could actually have a car to use.
Anyway, the exhibit was okay, but mostly not worth the ridiculous amount of money they charge for admission. And I got bitched at for attempting to take a photo of a guitar. Seriously, guard? You have such laser-vision that you can see that I am holding up my phone and using the camera function from like 10 feet away? And it MATTERS? I understand if it was the Louvre or something, but come on, it's a ridiculously overpriced exhibit and I just wanted to take a picture of a specific guitar to show it to Ray cos we had just been discussing this guitar. What do they think, if photos are allowed, people will then photograph EVERY SINGLE ITEM and thus nobody will pay to come see the exhibit? Dumb. There was a part where you could write down which song means the most to you and why, and of course I couldn't pick one, so I ended up using like 4 different Post-It notes. You would write your choice, then stick it to this wall. I noticed a bunch of people putting dumb stuff like "Born to Run" or "Born in the USA". Ugh. The man has a huge, varied, brilliant catalog of amazing songs, and "Born to Run" means the MOST to you? I wrote "Mary Queen of Arkansas", "Tougher Than The Rest", "Man's Job", "Redheaded Woman", "The River", "Thunder Road" (okay, kind of expected but I love "you ain't a beauty but hey you're alright" very much), and "Something In The Night". But there were so many more I wanted to write. I haven't been too huge into his last few albums, but like up until The Rising Bruce Springsteen was just amazing. And I am so tired of people dissing him. I'd like to hear the songs they've written, see the stadiums they sell out nightly. There are just so many shitty, asinine songs and lame musicians out there, and I'm tired of people criticising an intelligent man who actually tries to write meaningful stuff. Okay, he goes a bit overboard sometimes with the common man thing. But if you read about his life, he DID grow up like a regular Jersey guy, they didn't have much money, and he got his start actually playing tiny little clubs with his band, not because he knew someone famous or people friended him on Myspace or some shit. He put in the work and he deserves everything he has, and I respect him so much. I just hate that so many people just think of him as the guy who did "Born In The USA". That album is mostly lame, except for "Bobby Jean" and "Downbound Train" and "I'm On Fire". It doesn't represent the huge number of totally different songs he's done in his career. I bet that if you played someone who only knew, like, "Glory Days" and such "Mary Queen of Arkansas" or "Growin' Up", they wouldn't even know it was Bruce Springsteen. I just love him. I don't love every song, but I love a lot of them very much.
I got SO MAD when we got to the library, which I know is open Saturdays, only to find a sign on the door saying it was closed "for Labor Day" on Saturday and Monday. THE HOLIDAY IS MONDAY. NOT SATURDAY. They are so LAZY. I really, really wanted to pick up the book that is waiting for me there, and now I can't until Tuesday. (They're closed Sundays in the summer, of course.) I seriously was like freaking out. I just think it was a really lame move. They know they're closed Sundays, and closed Monday, so anybody who wasn't able to get there Friday is just screwed until Tuesday. There's no excuse to be closed two days BEFORE a holiday and call it being closed "for" the holiday. I hate the library sometimes.
Baby seems to not be sneezing anymore. She sneezed once since yesterday afternoon, but that's it..and my mom says when I wasn't here, she didn't sneeze at all. I really hope she's over whatever was wrong. She's acting normal. I'm so glad. I love her so much.
I finally dreamt about Rocky, but it wasn't what I thought..I mean, in the dream, I didn't know he was dead..and like we were at some amusement park ride and I kept trying to pick him up and hold him because I was scared he'd fall off the ride when it got up high, and there were these train tracks and I was scared he'd run onto them..but when I couldn't hold him and he got free, he went on the ride and he came off just fine, he never fell off, and he never ran onto the train tracks. Someone said I should think of this like the ride/train tracks was death/getting to the other side..I was so scared and worried for him, but he was just fine, and I didn't need to have worried, he made it just fine. I hope so. It was just strange. I totally forgot he was dead in my dream, I was just running after him trying to pick him up like he was my cat Rocky, being naughty..I miss him so much. It still just feels so bizarre. I hate it a lot. And like I guess now that it's been over 3 weeks I'm supposed to act normal and go out and do things and not talk about him all the time..but it's hard. I still hate going in the dining room, where he spent his last day in the corner, and collapsed on the carpet, and I rushed to get him into the carrier and ran out of the house to try to get to the vet...that room is the most depressing room, now. I go over to the living room window and touch his pillows and blanket with his fur still on them. It's still weird just using one plate to put cat food down on the floor. I just miss my boy. My wonderful, sweet, innocent, loving boy. I just feel so bad this happened. I have so many regrets and it just sucks a lot.
Many months ago, probably like February or something, this cat was hanging around our driveway at Ray's. It was obviously not feral, it must've had a home, because it let me pick it up. It nuzzled against my arm, and I was just petting it for a while. We never saw it again, though. Well, the other night I was walking back to Ray's house from Wawa and saw a cat run under a car. I just wanted to see if it'd come out, not even thinking it might be the one we'd seen months ago, which we'd called Jack. I put my hand out for it to sniff and it came out, and let me pick it up, and I carried it to Ray's driveway. It was Jack! I was so happy, and he let me pet him behind the ears and was being nice, but then suddenly seemed to get irritated. He kept rolling around on his back in the grass, making me think he wanted me to pet his belly, but when I would try, he'd bite me or growl. I don't know why he got angry out of nowhere. I really hope he isn't in pain or something. Maybe he smelled my cats or something..anyway, I was just so happy to see Jack again, to know he's alive. I really wish I knew whose cat he was. I want to warn them about letting a cat without a collar out in the city at night. This was like 11 or 12 at night! That's how we lost Lucky, and I'll never forget that. I know it really messed up Ray. They shouldn't have their cat out at night or really out in the city at all. But I have no idea whose he is. I want to bring some cat food to Ray's in case he comes back. I wish we could've brought him inside, but Ray's convinced he is someone's cat that they just let out.. I hope once Ray moves I can convince him to get a cat for his apartment eventually..
So my mother spent every cent she had, basically, on the exhibit (even with her senior discount and my student discount, it was mad expensive) and grocery shopping. She's substituting for some woman being a lunch aide one day this week, but I just worry about her. What will she do when she runs out of cat food? Well, her boyfriend usually buys some when he comes over. She's applied for so, so, so many jobs. It's just very hard when she doesn't have reliable transportation, she has no computer knowledge or skills, and she's 61. They always pick someone younger..she was just telling me about a bunch of jobs she applied for and I felt really bad. She's a fuckton smarter than 99% of the people I have met in my life, but people hiring people probably just look at her age or the jobs she has had and are like "Next!". . I just think something really good is going to happen for her soon. She's just had things so shitty for so, so long. It can't stay that way. She deserves something really good more than anyone. I just keep praying about it.
I've had to pee for like an hour, but Baby is lying next to me, and I know when I get up, she'll get off the bed, so I keep holding it in. I have to get my mother to put my Emsam patch on, though. (It's easiest and stays on best on the back, but it's hard to apply it to your own back and not get it wrinkled or uneven or anything.) So I'll go downstairs now I guess.
Last night I put on the t-shirt I wore the day Rocky died for the first time since he died. It was sad, but I don't want to just never wear it again.
I just want to sleep until I can wake up and suddenly feel like a human being, and act like one. I'm really tired of the way my life is and how I feel, and how few people have a clue what it's like or how hard it is to live with.
I really would be fine if Ray and I could just somehow get a ton of money and move to Europe with Baby and never ever come back again. I mean, we'd stay in contact with our parents, and perhaps some friends, but I would not mind one bit if we had the ability to just leave tomorrow. My whole life here is just so...not what I want. I know I need to try to fix the messed-up parts that are fixable by me. But I just don't have the energy. I'd rather just go try something new. Oh well. I'm stuck with this so I have to try to make it work, I guess.
I really don't even know what the point of writing here is. It doesn't really help me at all, and most of the time if anyone reads it, it's just to bitch at me or argue with me about something. I have been debating just stopping for a long time. But really, the main reason is I don't talk to my dad much, and I know he reads this a lot. So this way I don't have to go over everything I've been feeling, doing, and thinking the next time I do see him. It's like my only way to give him some idea what my life is like. But I don't think it really accomplishes that anyway.
I continue to dream pretty much weekly about my ex best friend. I hate it, because she's always nice and says she wants to be friends again in the dreams. Of course one of the people who I shouldn't be facebook friends with, a bad person I do not trust, still talks to my ex best friend, and told me she is getting married to her piece of shit boyfriend in the fall. It just makes me sad, like, I don't ever want to hear anything about her, you know? I want her erased from my memory. I can't stand that someone I was closer to than anyone and trusted more than anyone completely turned on me and changed into a different person I did not recognise and betrayed me. This is just one example of why remaining in contact with Ms.X, the facebook friend, is not helpful to me. I know she tells me stuff my ex-best-friend, J, says, just to upset me. She KNOWS it bothers me that she talks to J, since she would never have met J if I hadn't brought her along when we all hung out. They were never like close friends on their own. They just saw each other when we hung out together. She KNOWS how bad J hurt me, and yet she has to go and talk to her and bring it up to me, just to get my goat or whatever. She does things like this all the time, she wants to upset me and try to show off how she can still have contact with people I can't. She mentions people from my drug-using past, too. Like, wow, awesome, I'm SO JEALOUS you still talk to a bunch of waste-of-space junkies! I mean I didn't think of them that way when I was friends with them, but I can see very clearly now what kind of people they are, and she thinks it will like impress me or something that she talks to them, but I just think it's ridiculous. Yet she's TOTALLY CLEAN, right? Sure. You're totally clean, but you associate with a bunch of the worst junkies on earth who would rob their own parents without a moment's hesitation. And you claim to act as some sort of referral service, that drug dealers pay you to refer clients to them..but you don't do any drugs yourselves. Sure. Funny, I don't have any contact at all, don't even know the contact information anymore, for any of the drug people I used to know. But somehow you stay friends with them but you yourself are clean. Right. She's proved to me so many times she has a lying problem, but just denies everything if I've ever tried to tell her I don't believe what she's saying. She's really becoming a problem. she texts or calls me like every day. It doesn't seem to occur to her that I DON'T WANT TO TALK even though I rarely ever answer her. UGH.
Well, I am going to go watch more of season 2 of Breaking Bad. It kind of makes me wish I could do crystal meth, but I never knew anyone who could get it, even when I was doing drugs. And I know it ruins lives and all. It just looks fun and when they depict people snorting it, I miss that. The first rush when you snort it and get a drip and feel amazing. But it's an upper, and they always made me feel awful. I mean, I am committed to not doing drugs. Besides, the medication I am on has all kinds of warnings that basically any illegal drugs could kill me if I took them while on it. I'm not going to, and as I said, I never had access to crystal meth anyway..mostly, I can separate the drug aspect of the show from my nostalgia for doing drugs, and just watch it and find it entertaining. But every so often they show someone doing a little bump and then being like "OH MAN THAT IS GOOD SHIT" and I'm just like "UGH I MISS THAT". I was telling my therapist the other day, like, it just sucks that you get sober and then life is WORSE! At least before you were oblivious, you were having fun and felt GOOD. Once you get clean, then you remember why you wanted to get high in the first place..your life sucks. And much of it is stuff I can't do anything about. I just mainly cling to the clean time I have, the fact that in like less than 2 months it'll have been 3 years since I took any sort of opiate, and think that I don't want to throw that away, no matter what. Plus, I know my boyfriend would not stay with me if I started to do drugs again, so I am not willing to lose this relationship. I just miss it. I just wish my sober life was more tolerable. As Gary Busey says, "sober" stands for "Son of a Bitch, Everything's Real!"
I just think these alleged "coping skills" some people have..I've yet to develop any.
Time for a cigarette. I feel guilty every time I smoke, believe me. And I do fully intend to quit for my New Year's resolution. But right now cigarettes are comforting. I hate part of them..I mean, I hate the smell a lot, I even don't like the taste most of the time, I hold my nose during and after smoking..it's just the actual smoking I like..then I have to wash my hands as soon as I come inside cos I'm always afraid Baby might lick my hand and taste cigarette..but I'm always getting bitched at to quit by family members and they just don't seem to understand the concept of you have to be ready and WANT to quit. Quitting, or trying to, because people are bitching at you is not going to work. Same as it was with heroin. When I went to rehab, it was mainly because my mother had found out I was on heroin again, and pretty much made me go. I didn't really want to get clean. I was just sick and needed detox. But I did drugs again when I got out, because I was not ready to stop. You have to want to stop, to have had enough of that life.
I will quit cigarettes. I do not want to get cancer or diseases, and I don't like the negative effects they've had on my body already. But I am not ready to do it TODAY.
I love Baby so much. She always comes into my room as soon as I come home, and stays with me usually all night, though sometimes she comes in and out of my room during the night, waking me up each time she returns. She spends pretty much the majority of her time with me when I am here, and I just love that. My mom says she only sleeps with her when I'm gone because she's a consolation prize, that as soon as I get here she's so happy to be with her "real mommy". This makes me both happy and sad. I know my cat loves my mom, but I do think she has a special relationship with me. Cats are just so good and loving and sweet. I just miss my boy so much. He's not sick anymore. He's not in pain. But I just miss him healthy, running around, chasing mice & such. I just want him back, and it sucks.