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Real Like A Plastic Bouquet
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[26 May 2012|11:04pm] |
I don't have anything new to say! BUT I WILL WRITE ANYWAY.
As I am *actually* broke and not "broke" like people who have 50 or 20 or 10 or 5 or 3 bucks in their account say they are, my phone first ran out of texts and now is totally shut off. I guess I could get it put back on when my money comes in the 1st, but a new wrinkle in our financial situation I don't care to share makes that unlikely. That $102.50 will have to go towards food and only food. Someone f'ed our shit up more than it already is, totally unexpectedly. So. Awesome. But you know what, I'm not even that upset. Well, the morning I discovered my phone was shut off I started screaming and crying..but I got over it. It was mainly because usually, on the day that my payment is due, they give me til like 6 pm before they shut my phone off. This time they did it at 9:30 am. Unless I had the date wrong. I'm pretty sure I didn't. Whatever. Annoying people were texting me all the time. So I don't even need to have a phone. I can use Ray's or my mom's when I'm at her house.
I'm still pissed about not having a diploma but whatever. I will get it someday.
I'm still pissed that I'm STILL waiting for the verdict from the Appeals Council, but I've been prepared for it, and for a longer fight, because I think a federal/district/whatever-it's-called- judge will be more objective and NOT IGNORE EVIDENCE.
I still have scabs on my nose and forehead from picking my blisters I got from graduating. They look like shit.
Everything is just fucked up, and keeps getting worse.
Oh. I went to my fucking hard-won psychiatrist appointment and HE NEVER SHOWED UP. Thanks! Cos it's SO EASY for me to get there, what with NO CAR AND ALL. I love driving down the boulevard at rush hour and then waiting for AN ENTIRE HOUR to be told to reschedule without so much as an apology.
When I went to reschedule his secretary lady said "Oh he got stuck in traffic coming from a meeting downtown, sorry." OH WELL MAYBE YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE SCHEDULED AN APPOINTMENT IF YOU KNEW HE HAD A MEETING AROUND THAT TIME THAT MIGHT DELAY HIS RETURN.
I have a new appointment for Wednesday. Then I am supposed to go to a Neil LaBute play with Michelle. I will really have to rush right from my appointment to public transportation. I am nervous about the "cocktail reception" and hope it's not too awkward.
I can't calm down but I don't know if i want to take my Klonopin. Honestly, it doesn't calm me down like it apparently does most people. I just take enough to make me sleepy. That's all it does. I go to sleep so I stop panicking by default. I wish there was an actual drug that would stop the panic and NOT make me sleepy.
I am going to a pool party tomorrow. Apparently every person coming almost is bringing some fancy food item. I have $2.00 on my food stamps card, and no food for dinner for the rest of the weekend and week. I just can't buy anything to bring. I hope there's at least someone else who doesn't bring anything so it's not glaringly obvious the one ghetto person who couldn't.
Apparently the bike place fixed my bike for free so I am going to try it out late tonight or early tomorrow. I hope it's okay. My mom was like "Yeah, we both tried it out and it's fine". Meaning her and my stepfather, who is 6'9. Um. That's a lot of stress to put on a bike made for a woman. I hope he didn't accidentally break it in a different way :/
I am really not a fan of this weather. It's especially hard for those of us who Do Not Wear Shorts or Skirts.
I am just getting myself upset thinking of all the things I haven't mentioned that upset me that I don't want to mention because I don't want the world to know. I think I will just stop.
I pretty much have never done and can never do anything right.
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[12 May 2012|12:17pm] |
Just wrote a friends-only entry detailing the latest upheaval in my life so you're going to have to log in and then view my journal to see it, if you really care about what is going on. It is pretty upsetting but I am not willing to make it public. So you'll have to log in and look to actually see it. This means you father. You just log in with your name and password and then go to my page and it should show up before this entry.
I am having trouble calming down and I know I can't just break down and scream and cry because Ray is asleep in the little bed on the floor and he needs to get sleep for work so I don't want to wake him up but I feel like screaming I am so fucking angry and scared and upset.
I get so fucking angry hearing about other people singing, about reality TV singing shows. I WANT THAT MORE THAN ANYTHING and I don't think I will EVER DO IT.
In case you do not have a livejournal thus cannot view my friends only entry I will give you this one piece of information contained in it: I plucked a hangnail from my toe thinking that I was doing it nice and clinical and it would be fine, but somehow it got infected and it hurts and is swollen. I got some pus out but I know there is more and I am worried.
I am still afraid my bike is not sturdy enough for me but I will still try it when I get back to my mom's.
I am so tired of people saying to look for the positive. There is no fucking positive. I don't give a shit that oh I am not starving I don't live in the desert in a hut, I have my limbs. I FEEL HORRIBLE AND HATE MY FUCKING LIFE AND ALL THE PEOPLE I WANT TO SEE DON'T WANT TO SEE ME AND I HAVE A LOT OF PHYSICAL PROBLEMS AND I DON'T THINK I WILL EVER FEEL HAPPINESS AGAIN AND I HAVE A BOYFRIEND WHO DESERVES SO MUCH BETTER AND I'M AFRAID HE'S JUST HANGING ON BY A THREAD. He maybe partway believes me that I want things to be different too and I know he does love me, I believe him, but I know that he cares about not feeling like he's being tortured and nothing he does is good enough more. I cannot stand the idea of losing the best thing I ever had because I couldn't get it the fuck together, but I honestly cannot get it the fuck together. I NEED HELP and it is just not there for me. Please, telling someone to take deep breaths or try meditating..if you were inside my mind right now you would understand how laughable those suggestions are. I can't shut this off by something like telling myself to calm down or taking a deep breath. I am panicking and feeling unhinged and there's nothing to do to stop it but take a few Klonopin and hope I fall asleep. And then everything will start feeling like it's closing in on me right away again as soon as I wake up.
This isn't how it was supposed to be. This isn't how I ever pictured my life. This wasn't my destiny and I don't want it to be. I need this to stop and change.
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[09 May 2012|04:21pm] |
So I saw my therapist and I'd asked about when the fuck I can have a doctor appointment and she was like "S said that Dr Y is out this week so she hasn't heard anything and we probably won't til next week". Um. But what about LAST WEEK? LAST WEEK is when my therapist resubmitted the form. Was he out ALL LAST WEEK TOO? I am so fucking fed up with this place. It shouldn't be IMPOSSIBLE to see a DOCTOR WHO LISTENS TO WHAT I WANT. I have been researching TMS again but I just can't see any way I could do it. Some websites for places say they have been "very successful in getting insurance companies to reimburse patients" but obviously that's no help to me. I am so very tired of saying how very tired I am of feeling so horrible all the fucking time and getting out of control and feeling like I have nothing left and can't keep this up. How long can you be at the end of your rope? Indefinitely? Not me. I just saw something from the TMS Center of America..I'd emailed explaining my situation and asking about any sort of reduced price or payment plan or something and they wrote back "There are a few options we could talk about and perhaps involve any government insurance you may have. I would suggest you come in for a meeting and we could go over the options. Let me know if you'd like to pursue this." So I wrote back "Would there be a fee for the meeting? If so, how much? I would love to come in for this meeting." Even if it turns out fruitless, I want to at least try.
It seems like Baby is going up the steps slower. Like she has to put her two front legs first, then she lifts her back legs. She just seems like it's harder for her than it used to be. I mean she doesn't take 20 minutes to get up the steps or anything..she still follows me up them anytime I go...but I am worried she has arthritis or something. I have to try to find a cheap vet or something. Maybe if I just beg my mom she will ask Jackson if he can try to get together the money for the vet. He would I think. I just hate to think Baby is in pain. I know my cats are not young but they seem healthy other than this..it just pains me to watch her taking the stairs that way, she used to run up them. But she still can move fast--the other day she darted out the deck door in a split second and was into the trees before I could even get outside. So I know she can still move fast if she wants..I just worry. My cats are pretty much my best friends.
I've been at Ray's since Monday. It's been alright so far, I think I haven't really freaked out..I got my stupid cap and gown Tuesday. I just started to feel sick just being in that fucking parking lot and walking among those awful students there. I just hate them so much and I could not wait to get away from there. And this is why I know graduation is going to suck. The only two people I know have many other friends and their names are not near mine in the alphabet so I won't see them at all probably, or get maybe a perfunctory "Hey" if we see each other. At high school graduation, I was stuck with people I wasn't friends with, but I'd known those people since middle school and wasn't really uncomfortable being around them. Plus I had my best friend to meet up with afterwards. I just want to cut the memory of her out of my mind. I just don't think I will ever find someone I click with like that again. And the fact that she found it so easy to just remove me from her life...it still bothers me a lot. I just wish I wouldn't think of her and I wouldn't dream of her. I wish my mom wouldn't see her mom sometimes. I don't want to remember the past at all. I thought I was miserable then but I had fun then, I went out then, I had a best friend I could talk to about anything and I never realised how great that was because I never dreamed I'd lose her. It's just scary to think I may never have that again.
But Ray is my best friend and I just have to trust that he won't abandon me. We love each other. We had Cud City this morning. (When I lie in the crook of his arm and rest my leg on his and we just lie there cuddling..we call it going to Cud City. We are corny that way.) It was really really nice. Even though he started snoring right near my ear. I know I am very lucky to have him. I just want us to be different. I mean, we did get out this week. He spent money he didn't have so we could go to 3 movies and then we ordered in last night. (But of course doing these things means we won't be able to go to karaoke this week..) I just want us to go to the city like we used to. And go to different places. And see people. (There are so few people we want to see, though..) I just think a lot lately about when we first got together and how thrilling it was and how surprised I was that this guy actually paid when we went out to eat or to bars. (As we know, I had such self-esteem that I would pay on dates before I met Ray. Either that or at least pay for myself. And sorry, but that's messed up. The man pays. At least for the first date. Ray paid for months. I had to insist on paying for some dumb little thing after like 3 or 4 months.) I just remember how much fun we had. I know part of the reason was because I wasn't as fucked up. I wasn't such a mess, I was healthier mentally. My arthritis didn't act up as much. But it just makes me sad. I don't want to be a ball and chain, I don't want to be a mess he has to take care of. I have to just really try to make sure I only cry when I am upstairs and he is downstairs so won't know, or when I'm at my mom's alone in my room. I mean, if I'm not screaming and yelling, he doesn't get mad if I cry..but I know he doesn't need it, and it stresses him out because it upsets him and he feels like he's not doing his job, which is, in his eyes, making me happy. He does, as much as anyone could. It's not him. He's the only good person who really does a lot for me who isn't my family, who I think really loves me and I have fun with. I just wish he would understand I have an illness being untreated and it has festered, is festering, and no matter how good he is to me it won't get better and I won't be a happy-go-lucky energetic cheerful person. But I have to try. Just put up a normal front. Just act.
And yes I still think all the time why am I sober? How is my life better? Because I don't have a secret to hide from my family and friends? I'm not spending any money I ever have on drugs? Well that's irrelevant because I don't have money anyway. So the only fucking thing making my life better being sober is not having a secret? Wouldn't it be better to just have a little secret and feel GOOD EVERY NIGHT? I know. It doesn't stay good. I know what happens, and I don't ever want to let something control me again. I don't want to ever ever have to go to rehab again. But I just can't get over it..yes, I was ignoring my real problems, but I FELT GOOD AND HAD FUN. I felt fucking AWESOME. Now I feel fucking TERRIBLE and my problems are STILL not being helped. So what did I gain?
I don't see why with all the scientific and technological advances they haven't come up with a drug with no side effects, no physical addictiveness, that you can just take that makes you feel amazing and never causes problems in your life. I guess for some that is marijuana, but that is not for me. It never made me feel amazing. Just weird and in a different universe and crazy and paranoid and hungry and lazy. Opiates made me feel HAPPY. And that is something I can't remember feeling. I guess I did feel giddy for a while back in the spring of 08 when I met Ray. But my true colors came out and he began to see what I really am. And now he knows and he's just holding on and believing me that I want to change and can change because if not then I'm really fucked, regarding my relationship and my life.
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| cause you believed in me through my darkest night, put something better inside of me.. |
[06 May 2012|06:41pm] |
I feel like I am coming apart. I just feel like the complete opposite of who I am supposed to be, where I am supposed to be in life, how I am supposed to feel.. I am panicky a lot. I took two Klonopin and they've done nothing at all. Usually they at least make me sleepy. And it's not because I have a tolerance. As mentioned before, I've made a bottle prescribed Jan 31 last until now. I still have like 3 left. I don't know what is going on.
Jackson paid off my bicycle for me. That was so nice of him. But when I went to ride it it seemed like the back tyre was totally depressed, like, as soon as I got on it it looked flat. I started freaking out thinking I am just too heavy for the bike..but maybe it just needed air..my mom put some in..so I'll try it again. I am just going to be so upset if this bike is like not made for someone on the not-petite side..I guess I can just try it again and see what happens.
I just feel like everything is up in the air and so fucked up. I'm not getting anything at all out of anything I do at Northeast Community Center For Etc Etc. And I've been waiting since MARCH 25 to be assigned a new psychiatrist. Still no word, even though I saw my therapist write a note asking the psychiatrist assistant lady to call me. I just feel like my BRAIN IS NOT RIGHT, it is unhinged inside, and I want a chance to try something new that might set it right. It can't be normal to feel so weird and upset and hopeless all the time. My OCD has been really bad too but I don't care. That's a minor annoyance. If I EVER get a new doctor I don't even want to mention the OCD, because they will want to try to treat that medication-wise too, and I don't want that if it will involve SSRIs or SNRIs. I just want to try this one fucking MAOI that does not involve dietary restrictions (AT ANY LEVEL, as mentioned in previous entries) and if that doesn't work there have GOT to be some other drugs out there that aren't the same shit I have tried for years. Tricyclics, maybe. I will try anything besides the drugs that robbed me of years of my life. I am fucking horrible now, but I was worse feeling horrible AND sweating 50 times more for 10 years.
I have been watching a lot of old episodes of Grey's Anatomy and they always make me cry, and often bring up issues I have in my life. I really should stop but I can't.
I just keep listening to "Right Down The Line" by Gerry Rafferty over and over. I just feel like I love Ray so much. It's been him..right down the line. I think this song is so fucking romantic but simple. Just perfect. "I know how much I lean on you..only you can see the changes that I've been through have left a mark on me..you've been as constant as a northern star, the brightest light that shines." I wish that he would just know how I feel and how fucking hard every minute of every day is. He just doesn't really understand the concept that I ever feel like killing myself. He thinks that's stupid, life is short, etc..but I just can't seem to explain that it's not, it feels like I've been around for eons, because it's NOT short when you're in agony. Time flies when you're having fun. Not when you are barely existing. It's just hard for me to see any reason anything will ever get better. Considering it's gotten steadily worse over the years. I am just TIRED OF THIS. How many times can I beg God to just give me some sort of emotional exorcism and free me of the fucked-up parts of me? It NEVER WORKS. I never get an answer. I never suddenly wake up ready to have a real life and act like a normal person and function.
I am just grateful he's stuck around this long. He has been the light, the thing that makes me keep going because I want him to have someone he deserves to make his life better and not worse. But I've not succeeded yet. And that upsets me every day. He deserves someone normal. And I want that! I wish he knew how bad I want that. I don't WANT to be this person. I hate this person. But I feel completely stuck, and like there are just no avenues to fix me that are accessible to me.
Listen to the song.
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[01 May 2012|02:47pm] |
Every once in a while, usually when I've been crying and feeling like there are no good people and nothing good in this world will ever happen to me, something happens to restore my faith in humanity just enough to not give up on people. There are good people in the world, and I would like to thank one of them with all my heart. You know who you are, and I don't even know how or why God or fate or whoever brought you into my life in this strange way, but I am so eternally grateful. You have no reason at all to care about me, but you do, you see that my life is a complete mess and I can't even afford toilet paper so I take it from my mom who has 1 roll left and stuff like that, and you decide to step in and offer a lifeline. I can't thank you enough. I spent all last night sobbing because I was told I can't participate in commencement, and it just seemed like the straw that broke this camel's back. Nothing good ever happens. I also found out that I got a $2000 scholarship, which is good, however the balance on my account is $2675..so I STILL can't receive my diploma, and it'll take years to pay off the rest. I just felt like wham, the universe is trying to tell me nothing will ever, ever go my way.
But I decided to fight it, and I contacted some higher-ups, I mean people higher up the food chain from the person who told me I am not "considered a member of this year's class", and one of them wrote back that he is going to talk to some colleagues and see what he can do. I am not taking this lying down, I want to walk with the class of 2012. I finished my degree in December, so there is NO reason I shouldn't be able to participate. They said I couldn't because I was "accepted" to walk last year "with one requirement missing". But, uh, I DECLINED, because I would have felt like a fraud. My understanding was that I could wait until I actually finished school and earned my diploma and THEN participate. Nobody ever said choosing not to walk last year meant I couldn't this year. So I am going to continue to fight this--if this guy comes back with a "no", I will contact the PRESIDENT of the university, and if that fails, my badass attorney will be sic'ed on them.
My point was just, I was feeling so, so low and miserable and hopeless last night and this morning, and then I got a message from a person who chose to do something for no reason other than it's a selfless, kind thing to do, and I can't thank her enough.
There aren't many of them, and you have to meet lots of their opposites, but there are genuinely good people in the world.
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[26 Apr 2012|05:29pm] |
I love when people say they're "broke". It's really getting on my nerves lately. Or bitching that they have to pay a bill. Do you know how nice it'd be to be able to pay bills for some people? I've been at my mom's longer than I'd like and there's no food. I mean nothing. She got some shit from Catholic Services's food pantry thing..a bunch of nothing, mostly. The only things really edible were Chef Boyardee ravioli, which are the Canadian version so I wonder if they taste the same, and some spaghetti. No sauce. Canned okra? Cream of corn? Who eats that? I know, truly starving people. Well, you can't force yourself to eat something that disgusts you, okay? Whatever. My father was nice enough to give me the money to get my phone turned back on. I guess I am bad at math, but I don't understand how $30 of minutes costs $32.80. Isn't the tax on $10 60 cents? Thus $1.20 on $20, so shouldn't it just be $1.80 on $30? Thus I should only pay $31.80? Or maybe that 911 fee or whatever is added. I don't know. It just sucked. I am so, so tired of living this way. I applied for a temporary hardship forbearance for my loans. They told me it was for 6-12 mos. I get a letter saying it was only good until Mar 31. I call, guy says he is putting in an application for me for another, good for a year. Makes it seem like all is fine. I get a letter saying I was rejected for the other forbearance. It said that after my first forbearance I must make 12 monthly installment payments before I am eligible for a second. WHERE THE FUCK DO THEY THINK THE MONEY FOR THE PAYMENTS IS COMING FROM? I just don't know what they expect me to do.
I also got a bunch of shit about the, like, 8 loans I am expected to start repaying in July. Some of them are like %70 a month, some a little less..the total would be like at least $300 a month. I don't even have that much money a month. I guess I'll have to spend hours on the phone when it gets near July trying to get deferments or something for those too.
So apparently once the Appeals Council denies my appeal, which is likely, then I have to take it to a federal district judge or something, but I just found out that can take A YEAR. Yeah, I know, when I finally win I'll have mad back payments, even after I pay back the DPW..but that doesn't help me now. I just hate living this way. The main reason I never hang out with anyone is because I don't have a car and I wouldn't be much fun, but I also avoid them because I don't have the money to go out, even to a movie or for two drinks. I don't think people understand that most of the time, I don't have a single cent at all. So it's embarrassing and I just don't talk to anyone because I don't want to tell them why I can't do anything.
I have a phone number for Philabundance, who allegedly give free food..but it's always really restricted hours, like 1-4 only on Tuesdays..and I HAVE NO WAY TO GET THERE. Plus they always want all kinds of documentation. I don't think I still have my letter from the DPW. Ray has to return his mom's car on Monday morning because they have to get it inspected. I have no idea when he gets it back. So I have an appointment at 11 Monday. My mom has fucking court for a traffic ticket at 11:45. So she can drop me off at the appointment early, but I have no way to get home. R will be carless. I don't know the bus schedule but I remember looking it up once, I'd need to take at least 2 to get home from my appointment. I can't tell you how much I fucking hate buses. They upset me so so much and some asshole always tries to talk to me. Or some bitch spends the entire ride right near me talking loudly into her phone. I just hate hate public transportation.
I also have no way to get to my "liability" appointment Tuesday, where they want me to prove I am broke and not bilking them out of money for the "services" they provide. Oh yes, because I AM SO MUCH BETTER since I started going there. SO useful.
I was told that RATHER THAN WHAT I REQUESTED which was to be assigned a new doctor, I must call this woman and ask for an appointment for "medical review committee". So I started trying to call at like 9 am. I called at least 4 or 5 times. Same message saying that if I wanted to leave a message for the doctor, go ahead, but if I wanted to read the lady to make an appt, call back. I keep calling. Finally I call the main number of the place, explain, they say "Oh, she doesn't come in til after 10." I call back at 10:44. SAME MESSAGE. I finally just leave a message. Guess what? NOBODY EVER CALLED ME BACK. I am so fucking fed up. I fucking hate that place and its uselessness.
I did get a bike on layaway. It was originally $180. I could swear the tag said $130, but I must've been looking at another tag. So I was mad. But then because it was missing a handlebar grip, and then they noticed some dirt on it, the manager decided to give it to me for 50% off! Then, as the guy was writing it up in the computer, the manager was like "Ah, just put in $75.00". So that was great. I paid $15, but of course $5 of that is a service fee, so I only have $65 or so left to pay. I have to pay $16.34 by May 7 but they said I can pay it before then, which is good because my money will be all gone by then. I will have it Tues, so I have to get to K-Mart somehow then. Maybe Ray will have car back by Wed..the bike is pink, I tried it out, I just can't wait to have it.
It's just depressing eating fucking canned shit all the time and lying around. I just feel like shit and everything is so hopeless. My mom gets paid tomorrow, and almost half of it has to pay her car insurance, which had lapsed. Then she has like less than $100 to get food to last for like two weeks. I know it's an added burden of me being here on weekends and sometimes early in the week because I don't like what she likes. She always makes hamburger with rice and gravy or sauce and I hate hamburger. I like burgers, I just hate ground beef unless it's in a taco. Or really good chili, which is not possible from a mix. Jackson came over tonight but of course my mom has no idea if he will have any money. I hope so, and that he can get something we can have for dinner.
Ray is picking me up tomorrow night, so I will finally be back at his house..for a night..then I'll be back Monday after my appointment cos of needing to be in the area for my appt Tuesday. I just have to really try not to be difficult. I don't want him to feel like I'm a pain and it's better when I'm not around.
I just can't stop crying. Everything just makes me so sad. It just feels like nothing will ever get better. I can't stand the idea that I am doomed to feel and live this way forever.
I didn't even want Ray to know about that whole stupid post, the night I saved my suicide note document and all. Because it was just a stupid stupid thing. I get into these ..moods, where I just go really far down into this dark bad place. And I just feel determined to just give up and that everything hurts too much and is too fucking hard and nobody wants me around and I just make everyone's life worse. But the important point is that I don't ever actually do anything. I seriously contemplate it and thought very hard about just doing it, but I didn't. I won't. Because I think that my desire to prove all the assholes I have known and do know wrong is stronger than the Cloud that overcomes me sometimes. I want to succeed so bad because there are just so many people I resent, hate, am jealous of, etc, that I NEED them to see I am not a failure. The fat girl from Stony Creek Elementary WILL amount to something. I just have these nights where I can't help but give in to my craziness and just cry and cry and cry and feel so weak and clutch my chest because it hurts so much it feels like physical pain but I eventually go to sleep or otherwise get over it. I am not doing anything dangerous. I just need to tell myself I have the option if I really can't take it anymore. That's like a little thing I have to reassure myself, but I know I will pull myself out of it and keep going.
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[24 Apr 2012|03:56am] |
Wow, so the response to that last post was to ambush me via cell phone while I was inside K-Mart, without telling me that there were other people listening on the line, and proceed to let me say that I didn't know why they were reading my livejournal. I meant this because I thought they might find it distressing, and I really don't see why anyone would read it at all, but at least my father should because I don't hardly talk to him and he gets some inkling of an idea what I am going through. Well, then the phone was switched to my stepmother, and she was very nice, but it was kind of hard to listen to anyone when my mother was yelling at me every 5 seconds to 'Just give me the phone, just give me the phone. Hang up." She wasn't sure who was on the other end, but she knew that the original caller had forced other people on me to give me lectures and/or guilt trips. I didn't really get a chance to get either of those, and I was so upset and confused I didn't absorb all that much of what was said. I just think it was a horrible way to go about trying to tell someone you are "concerned". And so what if you are? What the hell can you do to help? Nothing. You can't fix my brain from where you are. You can't fix my life. This is my journal, the only place I have to go when I am really, really upset. When I am upset, the BPD person in me gets the idea that I am going to kill myself, for real. I decide that it can't wait, I've been putting it off too long, it's always been my destiny, etc. BUT you will notice I NEVER ACTUALLY DO IT.
I didn't actually really get any lectures or guilt trips, but I was just having a hard time hearing what was being said, and I'm sure they had the best of intentions..but I don't want this journal to be upsetting to anyone, especially because I could mean something I say in it with every fibre of my being, and then two hours later I look back and am like "God I was being ridiculous".
Somehow, though many other times my therapist has said she didn't have time to look at this, she found time, and of course that entry was what she saw. Which led to me having to convince her that I do not need to be hospitalised. Um, I have Keystone Mercy which literally, as they told me, has NO mental health coverage. That is why I am at Northeast Community Center for Mental etc etc, because it's the only place KM will let me go cos it's state run or whatever. So first, I doubt my insurance would let me go to a hospital. Second, I've been hospitalised 3 times already. It doesn't do shit. It's the same as a partial programme, where you sit all day long and are shuffled into different groups, and you listen and listen and listen til you want to stick needles in your eyes because you are so fucking bored from hearing everyone else bitch about their problems. You might get maybe 3 sentences out about yours. GROUP THERAPY IS BULLSHIT. Same reason NA doesn't work for me. I don't want to meet new fucked-up people, I CERTAINLY don't want to hear all their problems. I want someone to treat MINE. Sitting in a circle listening to people talk about how upset they've been, how much they hate their life, their ex-husband, or whatever..is not how you heal someone who is unwell.
Not sure I know how you DO do it, but it's not that way. The only real benefit to putting suicidal people in hospitals is that they're watched and weapons are taken from them, so they're kept alive for the duration of their stay. But being stuck in a hospital is much worse than feeling the same at home. I can shower here, eat meals when I want, and be with my cats when at my mom's house. There you are forced onto a schedule of group, group, group. It's horrible. It doesn't make you better, it just gives you shit to do all day. Terrible shit. And if you really want to kill yourself, you just lie to them and say you feel better, get discharged, and then do it. So no, you're not fucking hospitalising me. I do not need it. I seem to be unable to explain to anyone that I get very intense, very real horrible horrible feelings and impulses. But I don't do anything. I use them as a salve, I comfort myself by saying "It's okay. You can give up. You will kill yourself soon. You can't do this anymore, you just can't keep this up. You will be free soon." BUT I DO NOT DO IT, because usually I calm down and the feeling passes.
Apparently, no one at my therapy place at all can offer weekly sessions. That's fucking nuts. Budget cuts, blah blah. So how the fuck does anyone get better? Seeing a therapist every two or three weeks certainly isn't going to make any headway with problems like mine. So I am supposed to call Community Behavioral Health and ask them if there are any places that can see me weekly. And if not, suck it the fuck up and make no progress at all at the place I do go. I asked about my request to be assigned a new doctor. Apparently that couldn't just be simple, like "Yes, your new doctor is Dr. So-and-So, make an appt with them"..I have to ask the lady who makes appointments with doctors for a "Medical Review Committee", whatever the hell that is. Maybe it was "Medication Review Committee", I don't even remember. Why the hell can't I just have a DIFFERENT DOCTOR? I WANT FUCKING EMSAM, I DON'T WANT MORE SSRI or SNRIs, that's PRETTY SIMPLE. My insurance covers the pills, not the patch, but the pills are a LOWER dose, and no dietary restrictions are necessary at 6 mg. ALSO, the dietary restrictions for the 9 and 12 mg doses "are based on theoretical concerns, as no adverse events due to diet have ever been reported."
Whatever. I went to try to go to Charmela's office, and was told by the front desk that she was not there, so I guess I have to try calling tomorrow.
My point is, I think this livejournal is even more useless than I thought. It's more trouble than it's worth, it causes MORE stress in my life, so I think it's just going to be shut down. I think I started it in like 2000, so it's amazing I kept it going that long, but it's long past serving any purpose.
Today would have been my friend Jessi's 30th birthday. I still don't know what she died of, her parents did not want an autopsy. I know she had been taking some stuff recreationally and was also on stuff for fibromyalgia. She was one of the very few people I considered a soul mate type friend who I could tell anything and be completely myself with. I miss the shit out of her and I can't believe she's fucking gone. When I think of most of the people I know now they pale in comparison. The times I spent with her in Dugger, Indiana were idyllic. I was so at peace and felt so totally accepted and we just had fun all the time, going out to eat, watching dumb movies, making Rice-A-Roni, sitting on lawn chairs having trashy barbecues. I never thought I wouldn't get to see her again. I wanted her to come here and meet my cats. I wanted us to travel together. It was all cut short and it still breaks my heart.
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[23 Apr 2012|03:12am] |
I wrote out a document on my computer that is my suicide note, with little paragraphs for the important people in my life to see, so I feel better just knowing that is there. I guess I calmed down a little and I am not going to hurt myself tonight. I just cried my fucking eyes out, so much that it just hurt..and I took my medication and I just feel tired now. I have to be up early for a fucking useless appointment. I am just going to tell her the truth. I am so fed up I don't even want to go there anymore. At least not with her. If it's honestly IMPOSSIBLE for me to see her every week by myself, then I don't want to see her at all. There has to be something better. I just hate trying to get used to a new therapist. Because so few of them you feel like you can talk to. But I guess I'd rather do that than play this "2 visits a month" bullshit. I can't even stand to think about it right now, I am just getting too mad.
Rocky just climbed onto my chest, purring. He makes me feel like okay, I can get through at least another day.
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[23 Apr 2012|01:43am] |
I can't do this anymore and I am tired of saying that. I mean it now. I give the fuck up. I am done. I am done trying in vain to get any sort of help. I am not going to get better. It will only get worse until I never leave my bed at all. I don't want to be around for that. I can't do this. It just hurts too much, to know how far I have fallen and everything I ruined and everything I could've done differently. I can't fucking take this right now. I fucking give up. There is nothing left for me to live for. Everything is just too, too hard. I don't enjoy anything and I feel like shit all the time. I'm not going to ever get better. And the piece of SHIT state run mental health facility I am a "client" at is determined to make sure of that. I don't care. Nothing matters anymore. I just think I am done. Don't go fucking calling the police or anything. I just don't know what I am going to do. I just can't do this anymore. Something has to change, I just don't know what. I don't see any options.
There is one fucking surefire way I know to make this all end and it just looks more and more like the best choice. Do not bother, PLEASE, do not bother with any "Oh but i'd miss you'. No, you wouldn't. You either never see me, so you obviously don't care that much, or when you do, you wish you hadn't. I do not improve anyone's life in any possible way. I make everything a billion times worse for everyone, and I do not want to continue to do this. I don't care if you think these are juvenile sentiments. I guess I never grew up. I got stuck with this fucked up brain and it has doomed me and I don't see what I can do about this. Some people are never, ever going to be happy or any sort of success. Why would i spend another second, much less years, feeling this way just to find out things never get any better?
Fuck this.
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[16 Apr 2012|11:29am] |
More Reasons I Fucking Hate Myself:
1. L., girl I was friends with since 9th grade. When she moved to Bethlehem, I thought we'd find a way to see each other..we did once. Then because she was a teacher and so far away there was always stuff going on. "Oh, Christmas break I'll have time" but then never replied to my texts when Xmas break came around asking when we could hang out. Just they're always sooo busy. I haven't seen them since their wedding in..2010? It just kind of sucks because I see on facebook that somehow they have the time to come to this area to hang out with their brother and his girlfriend. Fine, that's their brother..but also his girlfriend. I've been friends with L. longer than she's been all friendly with the brother's girlfriend. I just always thought L. was someone I could always pick back up with and laugh and be myself but like they've repeatedly given me excuses and made it pretty clear they don't actually intend to ever hang out with again. It just makes me fucking sad. I thought they were a real friend, and genuinely busy..but when I see that they have been in the area and never bothered to see if I wanted to hang out..and I used to always get invited to their seder...I think I went in 2009 maybe? Haven't since..haven't been asked. It was just like once they moved they decided they didn't want to see me anymore. I guess I'm not that fun, but I haven't hung out with them alone in so long who can even remember? I thought we used to have fun. We used to go to the gym together and I liked just talking to them. We could always laugh. Now like they just don't care if we ever hang out again and I am sick of trying to ask them when we can, feeling like I am chasing them. It makes me sad.
2. Aforementioned person from last post. Like, don't comment on my facebook pictures and talk about good times we had in the past when you haven't been able to fucking find time to see me more than once in the past year. That's ridiculous. It just seems like now that I don't have a car nobody is willing to make the effort. Nobody could ever get to me or pick me up. I just can't believe this person in particular, because they really aren't far from me, and it just bothers me that they say they want to hang out. But like I said, last time we made plans they suddenly needed a ride I could not provide. (YOU SHOULD NOT HAVE SAID THE DAY BEFORE THAT YOU HAD A CAR.)
Apparently my mom's car needs a "rebuilt transmission" which is $2400. So what I'm pretty sure is going to happen is she and my sister are just going to drive it into the ground, and then they won't have any car at all and that will suck. I am fucking stuck here and of course my sister has the car so I can't even get to the fucking Wawa to get cigarettes. I hate not having cigarettes. Of course, Ray was supposed to pick me up this morning. He was tired, so he went to bed and is coming tonight. Allegedly.
I have to go to a fucking ghetto focus group on Thursday. It's in Montogmeryville and it's an hour and only pays $35. I wish REAL focus groups that actually pay real money would recruit me but I never qualify. I don't know why I signed up for this. So that means I have to get back to my mom's Wednesday night. Then what? If I get my mom to drive me back to Ray's after, so I can stop at K-Mart and FINALLY put a bike on layaway, I have no way to get back to my mom's Fri or Sat..I guess I could take the bus, el, and train..but putting the bike on layaway and paying for the bus/el/train will use up the entire amount i make at the focus group. I am so fucking sick of being fucking broke.
I'd love to know what the fuck is going on with my appeal. How the fuck is my doctor's word good enough for the Department of Public Welfare but not the SSA? I am just so fed up. Apparently the Appeals Council is just people reviewing what was submitted..we don't get to fucking even argue my case..I just hope they see the fucking form from my DOCTOR because that is ALL THAT MATTERS. I am so angry about the whole report and all the shit from BEFORE I EVER EVEN APPLIED the idiot judge mentioned..like I am not trying to bilk anyone out of money, I fucking deserve this as the person who lives with me can attest. I am a complete wreck and I am barely staying alive and I AM NOT GETTING ANY PROFESSIONAL HELP AT ALL. I can't fucking function and I know people who are perfectly capable of work but they get fucking SSI and I don't fucking understand.
I am so disgusting right now. But Ray isn't coming to get me til tonight and I don't want to shower now because first of all I am hoping to take a walk with my mom, during which it is likely I will sweat, so no point showering and then getting sweaty. Second, if I shower now and shave my legs etc, they'll probably already be stubbly by the time he gets here tonight.
But who the fuck cares. That is part of being mentally ill, not keeping up with personal hygiene. BECAUSE IT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER. Nothing does.
My back hurts really really bad. I just hate seeing my doctor so much and I didn't do the dumb shit she wanted me to last time so I am not making another appointment. Plus I'd want to be clean when I saw her so it'd be really difficult to have showered at my mom's and then somehow get to my doctor which is near Ray.
It's really really fucking hot out and I can't stand it. I kept waking up over and over last night because I couldn't get comfortable because my room is so fucking hot. I have 3 fans on but 2 of them are very weak, even at the highest number. I hate this weather. What the fuck happened to spring? It feels like summer.
I really just hate everything right now, I am going to go cry into my cat's fur.
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[11 Apr 2012|07:47am] |
Some people are just un fucking believable. And I hate the fact that there's always a risk they might somehow know about my livejournal, so I can't really say what I want to about them here unless I make it a friends-only entry, in which case it's pretty much guaranteed no one will read it. Let's just say I have a friend named X. X lives far from me and Ray, even farther than Blue Bell where it's already a pain in the ass to get Ray to ever go. Whenever we see X, it involves us driving all that way to where X lives, and usually going to a movie, then driving them home, then driving ourselves all the 20+ miles back home. And X is like a really jester-y type, always making jokes and references, always "on". Like, I could never go to X and be like "I have a really serious problem. My life is falling apart, and I need someone to just listen" or like "I feel like hurting myself, I can't stand my life". X would just have to make it some kind of joke. X can't ever really be serious. And so X always contacts us like, the day of or day before X wants to hang out. That's not how we roll. Especially with no vehicle or a borrowed one, we have to make plans at least a few days ahead of time. So now X is mad at me because they contacted us insisting we come over to watch a movie or something and we couldn't. Ray didn't have a car at the time, but I'm just so irritated because X doesn't seem to get that it's a PAIN IN THE ASS to drive that far. (X doesn't drive and has said they have no desire to, ever.) If we are going to drive that far, we want to go OUT, not sit in watching shit. Anyway, X got mad at me for some dumb dumb shit where they just don't want to admit that they were wrong about something and I had the nerve to alert them to it, so they told me I am not "invested enough in our friendship". I just could kill someone. This person has no fucking clue what my life is like. They are older than me but live at home, do not drive, nor have any responsibilities that I know of. They work, but as far as I know don't pay any bills or anything so I think it's really just to have something to do. So whenever they don't have work they think we can just jump in the car we don't have and come running cos they want to hang out. Maybe when i lived with my mom and had a car that was possible, but things are different now. I just think it's shitty to say I'm not invested in a friendship. X never calls or messages me to ask how I am, even though they know my life is in a horrible place right now. They only contact me when they decide they want to hang out and I am supposed to respond right away and they get mad if I am unable to do what they want. Just pretty fucking fed up.
My other friend who I will call Y has been pretty flaky ever since she moved in with her boyfriend. I've seen her exactly once, and I had to get my fucking mom to drive me to pick her up, then borrow my mom's car to drive us to the movies. So a week or two ago Y said on facebook "I will have a car but no money" and I was like "Okay, we can just watch DVDs or something"--because they don't live as far from me as X, and because we used to always watch DVDs together and like doing so. Then the next day, when we were supposed to hang out, I texted her like "So what time are we hanging out? Do you have a ride? If not I can probably get my mom's car.." but figuring she'd ALREADY SAID SHE HAD A RIDE..and she wrote back "Yeah can you pick me up?"..I was so mad. It turned out I COULDN'T get my mom's car because I NEVER can. Why the fuck did she specifically say that she had a ride? So I just didn't get to see her. It looks like I just won't be able to for the foreseeable future, since she apparently can't ever get herself anywhere. Ray is returning his mom's car this week. My mom's car is in the shop and even when it's out it's basically my sister's. I could just never, ever have it. She could NEVER get to work any other way. It's basically just impossible and would never happen that I could borrow the car. So I guess I just won't be seeing Y. That fucking sucks. We used to have fun together. And it makes no sense. Because now that she lives with her boyfriend she lives closer to both my house and my mom's than she did before. I just don't get it.
I like to chew on the lids of water bottles. A lot.
Bby has been falling asleep with my arm around her, like spooning, a lot lately when I'm at my mom's. It's really so nice, but inevitably my knee starts to hurt, so I have to move and she gets mad :(.
Hoping to get to K-Mart for that bike layaway sometime in the next week..
I can't stand who I am and how I treat the people I love. I feel like I am not getting any professional help at all. As I have probably already mentioned, I think this week my therapist is on vacation so she can't even respond to my email asking if she has any idea when the fuck they might assign me a new doctor who might give me the medication that might actually help me. I just feel very hopeless and sick and tired.
My backache that I had a few months ago has come back. Bending really hurts. I think I won't be shaving my legs for a while. I don't know why this happens. I think my bed is far too soft.
I don't even feel like saying anything else. There's no point.
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[07 Apr 2012|12:07pm] |
It seems as of Monday we will not have any sort of car at all. Apparently it's a BIG HUGE FUCKING DEAL for me to EVER borrow my mother's car, even for ONE DAY, because my sister has it all the time. I am not exaggerating..it is never here. Maybe if she needs desperately to go grocery shopping my mom gets her own car for a few hours, like last night..but when she was finished she returned it to my sister. My mother basically doesn't have a fucking car. And now my boyfriend really doesn't, and there's ONE FUCKING PLACE I really want to go Wednesday night, it's karaoke, and I NEED TO DO IT and I know I'll get all kinds of shit and bitched at and wherever my sister has to go is wayyy more important and heaven forbid she could ever find any other mode of transportation. She has 80 million friends but somehow none of them drive or can ever give her a ride to work. She apparently just won't take public transportation. It's just insane that she has my mom's car EVERY DAY AND NIGHT and the past two times I've asked to borrow it for ONE DAY I was turned down and now I know I'll get bitched at for trying to get it for ONE DAY/NIGHT.
My life is a piece of shit and I am so fucking sick of it and living the way I do and making everyone miserable and feeling like shit all the goddamned time. My back is hurting really bad again. Both mattresses I use, at Ray's and at my mom's, are fucked. One is all old with springs popping out, the other is way too soft. I don't know if that contributes. I have a weird like line in my foot that hurts when I touch it, it goes from the middle of the sole out to near the side of my foot, it's like..a line that's...engorged or something. I still have a little lump on my boob but it got smaller so fuck it. I am so fucking tired of having so many goddamned things wrong with me. I hate going to the doctor and I am not going to get X-rays, she already said she's pretty sure she knows what I have which involves a compressed nerve and no available treatment other than maybe exercising more might help. oh, why didn't I think of that/ OH YEAH I AM IN REALLY BAD PAIN ALL THE TIME AND TRYING NOT TO KILL MYSELF, DON'T REALLY FEEL LIKE GOING OUT JOGGING. Plus it's been fucking cold. I really did want to complete my required visits for my membership to the YMCA, but I signed up for that before Ray lost his car. I didn't anticipate how hard it'd be to ever get there. Plus I fucking hate it a lot. I would love to try their Aquacise classes but again I have no way to get there. My latest plan as I may have mentioned is to go to K-Mart and find a bike and put it on lay-away. I somehow managed to save $15 because their website told me that is how much the first layaway payment is. But I haven't been able to get a fucking ride to the fucking K-Mart. My mom was going to pick me up Friday, and take me there. (In her boyfriend's car of COURSE)..but then Ray needed to charge his GPS, which can only be done here at my mom's. So he ended up bringing me here Thursday night, so my mom never had to pick me up Friday, so I never got to K-Mart. I have no idea when I will now. I guess I could try to figure out what bus goes there..but I don't have any money for the bus and taking the bus really stresses me out and makes my heart beat fast and I can't wait to get off of it and everyone is staring at me. I hate public transportation so so so so much I avoid it at all costs if I possibly can.
So I have no fucking clue when I will be able to get a bike but I want one really bad. Because I can't picture myself being able to do any other kind of exercise at all. Except boxing which again is irrelevant because it costs way more than I have and I have no way to get to lessons anyway. So a bike on layaway is my best bet. I just feel really helpless. it really , really sucks to not be able to get ANYWHERE.
My numb side of my leg is always itching really really bad and the scratching doesn't really help at all. It's so, so frustrating.
I have just accepted I am never going to fucking see my therapist the way i want to. Even if I see her April 23 and then I see her again the 30, that will be it, I bet they will have started the fucking group her bosses are forcing her to start by then. So I will just NEVER GET WEEKLY INDIVIDUAL THERAPY. So I am basically NEVER GOING TO GET ANY HELP. I am still waiting to find out when the fuck this alleged transfer to a different doctor is going through. I have not received any reply yet. I think my therapist is on vacation so I won't hear back for a week probably..I have no idea who else I could even ask.
I got these old issues of Bust magazine for free from Craigslist like a year ago, and I enjoy reading them, but mixed in were a few issues of Bitch. I just tried to get through one, and I realised I fucking cannot stand the kind of people who read it, especially the ones who write in to complain about everything. I really cannot deal with such super liberal offended-by-everything type people. I will never like those kind of people nor really be able to get along with them. I know quite a few and basically whenever I happen to see them I end up just feeling on edge like I am constantly watching everything I say. I know I have bitched about such people before but this magazine made me sooo angry. Like I wanted to throw it across the room.
I just don't think I will ever be normal or live the life I want to and I hate that I am making my partner so miserable when he already has so much shit going on in his life. I am so fucking tired of everything. I can't keep living like this. I can't stand being fucking broke. I have that $15 exactly on my fucking EBT card that I keep trying to save for that bike..but there's nothing to eat so it's going to have to get used for food. So there's one more goal I will never accomplish.
Apparently the "Appeals Council" just makes a fucking decision on their own. My lawyer doesn't get to present a case or anything. They just look at the file. that's bullshit. I hope they look at the MOST IMPORTANT PIECE OF EVIDENCE, the ONLY ONE that should matter, from my fucking doctor. I need to somehow get my x-ray report to my lawyer too to send them, because the judge kept saying I could be a housekeeper. My x-ray, showing osteoarthritis, obviously proves I am not able to be on my hands and knees or even standing for long periods of time. I am so tired of this. I am so so sick of trying to fucking prove that I am a complete mess. I am tired of getting so so upset and thinking that I should just give up and when I do then everyone who thought I was faking or exaggerating will finally realise I meant it and needed help. I fucking hate Northeast Community Center for Mental Health and Mental Retardation and the way they do things. There is no fucking reason on Earth a sick person should not be able to get fucking help and see a therapist once a week. They just seem to absolutely want to prevent that at all costs. I am going to have to find out how to contact whoever is in charge. This is just such bullshit. Why can't anyone understand I CANNOT GET BETTER SEEING A THERAPIST ONCE OR TWICE A MONTH? THAT'S ONE HOUR, TWO HOURS A MONTH, THAT IS NOTHING.
Well now I don't even have a clue how I will get to my therapist appointments. Everything is up in the air and a complete mess. I am really starting to freak out. What the fuck else is going to go wrong? What CAN? I have nothing to look forward to and hardly anything to live for and I can't keep on like this.
There is no real reason to write in here even. My therapist doesn't read it anymore because she is too busy. Pretty much no one else does except people who have no fucking clue what my life is like and want to judge me and tell me I am lying or perfectly capable of doing things a normal person can.
I am going to take some Klonopin and hope that I can go to sleep because I am having a lot of trouble calming down.
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[30 Mar 2012|12:15pm] |
There are things going on that I've been asked not to talk about on here, because certain people in my life are fucking paranoid and think that people might somehow find my livejournal and then know things about them or know I am bitching about them. So it really sucks I can't fucking mention the huge upheaval going on in my life right now. Everything has been turned upside-down and it was really the very last thing we needed. I am barely hanging on and I feel like shit all the time anyway, and because of this recent thing my general low level of panic has risen to a feeling of extremely high anxiety and desperation. The problem with seeing my therapist was supposed to be fixed, but yet I can't see her until April 23. It's bullshit and there's nothing I can do except call every day and see if there were any cancellations. Oh well..at least once April 23 comes around then I know I have an appointment the next week. I am so tired of going there and getting into like 1/1000th of the things going on in my head and my life and then the time is up and I have to wait 2 weeks (WELL, now more like 3 and a half) to get back into things. It is very upsetting and I know it's not her fault but it fucking sucks.
This is really gross, but whatever, don't read this then..I somehow developed a wound on my head. I guess maybe it started out as a small scab or something, I don't know what from, but I keep picking and picking and now it's pretty big and I can't leave it alone and it really hurts. I am stupid.
I also have a lump on my boob. It's red, so I thought maybe it's just a skin problem or something, but I can feel like a lump underneath it, like in my skin. WHY couldn't this have appeared when I had a doctor appointment? Or a gyn appointment? Everything was fucking normal when I went. I do not want to make another one. Especially because, as those of you with significant-sized boobs may know, they tend to get sweaty, and you do not want to visit the doctor and have to unveil a sweaty boob. I'd have to have showered right before my doctor appointment, but my doctor is near Ray, and I cannot use his shower. This has become a big problem. We had a fight about it last night. He just can't understand why I can't use his shower. I can't explain it. It terrifies me and upsets me. I could have probably forced myself to use it, but I'd cry the whole time and feel panicky in my chest, which would have ruined my voice. We were going to karaoke, so that would've been no good.
I guess I should be glad. I finally went to karaoke and sang. But the place was small and not crowded and when we were singing, like people were just drinking and talking and not paying much attention. Only later on did more people get there and like pay attention and clap. That was when I rapped. I would much rather receive accolades for singing, which is not nearly as easy for me and is the only thing that matters to me. I mean, two people told me I was good but most of the bar were not even paying attention. I know the important thing is I got up and did the thing that I am most afraid of, but it was just a little anticlimactic. I wish that we could find a bar where the patrons actually pay attention to the singers and want to hear them.
I am just so, so fed up with everything. Of course the plans I had for tomorrow night got fucked up. It's just as well, because since I am not getting to spend my usual Friday with my cats, I will be spending Saturday with my cats and mom. And Sunday, though I may see the person who welshed on Saturday on Sunday. Though suddenly they won't have any money. I have a tiny bit of money but I really, really want to save $15 to put toward this bike I want to put on layaway at K-Mart. There's nowhere else that sells bikes that does layaway except K-Mart. But since I am taking public trans to my mom's, I have no way to get to K-Mart this weekend, and I know something will come up that I'll need to use that money to buy food or something and won't be able to start the process of getting my bike. I just want a fucking bike. I can't take the fucking Y. It's just horrible and uncomfortable and sooo far. A bike is fun and I can do it anytime and not torture. I just really wish my bike hadn't been stolen. I also really wish I wasn't so broke. I've found bikes I like on craigslist for like $50 but I don't even have that much. So I saw a pretty good selection at K-Mart so I really want to get one. But you have to pay every two weeks, and I am worried that in two weeks I might not have the money. I only get it on two specific days of the month. I just hope it works out. I really really just want a bike.
We don't have any food really, except some oatmeal and 1 or 2 cans of soup and Boca burgers. So we're going to have to get food. I hate asking R for money for food. I know he is trying to keep what he has in the bank to put down on a car, whenever the fuck that is supposed to happen..but I mean I have like $20 left if I use the $15 for the bike. So what will $20 buy? Dinner for two nights if I stretch it? I am just sick of this, and I really fucking hope my appeal works. I just get so mad thinking about all the things they said in the report. They make no sense and reference things that happened years before I ever even applied for the thing they are denying. They make no mention of the most important piece of evidence which is pretty solid, a DOCTOR attesting that I am indeed fucked up and not able to work. I am so tired of trying to convince and prove to people what a mess I am. It's very frustrating that only 2 people in the world ever see me the way I actually am. That's maybe why I don't hang out with people very often, because it's very difficult to put on my "I'm okay" face and try to be social. I don't freak out or anything but I don't act like a normal, happy easygoing person either, so they usually end up thinking I am boring and quiet. Because it is a lot of effort just to spend even a few hours with anyone. I am always just thinking how I can't wait to be back in bed. I guess I had fun last night, but it was really disappointing too, and we had big fights before and after.
I am just so tired of feeling like this, and being a burden to everyone I'm close to. I wish that judge could have seen me last weekend. I was like a possessed person, freaking out almost nonstop and driving my mother out of her mind. I cried my eyes out and was unable to calm down because I threw away a sock and then later found its mate. I was so, so upset by this. I'd had that sock since high school and I liked it but I had been sure that I'd already thrown out its mate, so I said she could throw out this one. And so she did, and took out the trash and everything. Then that night at like 2 am I found the mate sitting in the laundry room on top of the refrigerator. I just started crying and screaming and woke her up and couldn't calm down. That's not how a normal person acts. It was a fucking sock. But I felt so bad for the sock, and it was just such a monumental failure, an example of how every little fucking thing goes wrong in my life. I can't even explain it.
My therapist was all mad that I didn't go to my appointment with my doctor. I am sorry that I could not make myself sit there and face her after she knew I complained about her, and I knew she would just have told the other doctor she "consulted" with that he didn't know the whole story, I hadn't given Luvox a fair shake, etc. I can absolutely guarantee the result would have been the same. Try the Luvox again. Regardless of the fact that the patient has ALREADY SPENT YEARS ON SSRIS AND DOES NOT WANT TO WASTE ANY MORE MONTHS OF HER LIFE ON DRUGS THAT DO NOT HELP HER. So my therapist was just like "Well, sometimes mental patients are unreasonable so I will just put that you are being unreasonable and you can ask for a transfer to a different doctor". I don't give a shit if they think I was being unreasonable. I didn't fucking want to see Dr J anymore, and I just wish I'd known that I COULD request a different doctor. I was given the impression that that wasn't even an option. So good, now allegedly a request has been put in for me to be given another doctor..but I have no idea how long that takes or when I can see this new one. I guess I can ask about it when I see my therapist but that's NOT TIL THE 23 OF APRIL so that really sucks. I was really hoping to see this other doctor before then. I guess I can ask her about it next week or something. I'm sure the other doctor will still try to give me shit and put me on shit that I already have used and know is not for me, but I will just have to explain that this is what happened before and precisely why I wanted to change doctors. I know what I want to try and it's not unreasonable.
I guess the big accomplishment of the last week is walking 2.4 miles with my mom. I hate fucking exercise and I especially hate walking because of my knees, but she of course had given her car to my sister and wanted to get her newspapers from Wawa. It wasn't too bad, but I was wearing pants with a hole in one leg, so of course now I have a rash from the fabric of the other pants leg rubbing the raw skin. It hurts. I hope that I can maybe walk there with her again Sunday. I'm just going to have to fit in little things like that until I can get my bike. I can't fathom going back to the Y. Not just because I hate it and can barely get through it, but because I can't even afford the $2 sometimes, and because it's really far for my mom to drive me. I originally signed up for that location because it's the closest to Ray's, but it's not that close even to Ray's, and I didn't realise Ray would not have a car for me to use and so it'd mostly be my mom driving me, and it's really far from her house, and she never has any gas. It's just not reasonable. I still kind of want to try some classes they have there, but I don't think you can just sign up in the middle. I probably would have had to have started when the classes began. Plus I don't have a guaranteed ride every week. My mom would probably have given her car to my sister, like she does EVERY SINGLE DAY. She has to make special arrangements just to get her own fucking car back.
I still have another Klonopin prescription somewhere in this house. I need to refill it. Even though she's not my dr anymore, I want that rx. I mean, I don't take it that often. Obviously, since I got this bottle at least two months ago and it was only supposed to last a month. But I just feel more and more uneasy and freaking-out-in-my-head lately so I think I should find my prescription as soon as possible. I hope it's here somewhere.
My fucked-up leg makes sleeping really hard. I woke up almost every single hour yesterday. I get horrible shooting pains in my leg, and numb tingliness, and like no matter which side I turn on it keeps coming back. It sucks that I can't even enjoy sleep, my greatest escape.
I need a really good book. I ordered a few by Jean Thompson, since I liked her most recent one, but they're at the Blue Bell library so I can't get them til tomorrow. I'm reading In The Cut by Susanna Moore..it's alright, but really weird and sexual. Gross, in some parts. A lot of ass-licking. Nasty. Not sexy. It just seems to be trying too hard. It's not what I'd call a great book, but I keep reading it. It's compelling I guess.
I miss my cats.
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[14 Mar 2012|09:52am] |
Contrary to apparently popular belief, you cannot know a person based on anything they write in a livejournal community or anywhere on the internet. Nor can you know the complicated details of their relationship with their family, partner, friends, or anyone else. I think I give up on ever using a livejournal community. People have no problem calling you names or telling you what's wrong with your character or mind from behind a computer screen. I would never, EVER talk to anyone to their face the way people have talked to me through fucking livejournal. Fuck it. I just need to develop some good real-life friends so I don't have to turn to complete strangers who think it's cool to insult people they do not know.
All kinds of craziness is going on that I don't even want to go into here. Everything is very stressful and fucked up right now in my life.
Ray and I stayed at my mom's Sunday and Sunday night and it was so nice, mostly. I loved sleeping with Baby. I just miss my cats a lot. A whole lot. I took a picture of Rocky right as he was yawning and it came out really adorable. My friend said that it looks like somebody just told him a joke or something and he's laughing really hard and like pounding the pillow like "OH..OH..OH MAN, THAT IS HILARIOUS!"
CUTE.
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[03 Mar 2012|02:18pm] |
I did cut myself but the razor was dull so it was hard to do and I still knew I couldn't do that many cos I was hoping to avoid anyone seeing them, of course my mother did though. I did 5. Because that is one of my OCD numbers. That's sad. But I just want a fresh razor and I want to cover my arm like I did in high school. Who gives a shit? I accept I'm a mess. I just restrain myself the little bit that I can for Ray's sake. Because i am always telling him I am trying to get better and committed to being better and not a total mess. I don't think he really understands how horrible I feel. He thinks I'm just like a child or untrained pet who has no control and acts out all the time. I wish he could be inside my head for just a day. I don't feel right and I feel hopeless and I feel antsy at the prospect of staying this way.
My meeting with the psychiatrist went EXACTLY as I imagined. She is apparently unwilling to prescribe ANY MAOIs. Her plan is for me to take Luvox, and then increase the dose, and increase it some more if that doesn't work. And possibly add Seroquel XR. Why don't doctors ever give a shit or listen to the patient? I HAVE ALREADY TRIED MANY SSRIS. THEY DO NOT HELP ME. THEY WILL NOT EVER. I just don't know what to do. I'm vacillating between trying her plan and if it doesn't work telling her so and /or then trying to see the other psychiatrist, or just trying to see the other psychiatrist soon. I don't even know if they'd let me make an appt with the other one when I already have one.
Extremely frustrated with almost everything. I see my therapist twice a month. Any progress we do make is negated by how infrequent the visits are. I don't think there's anything I can do about this and I am really irritated. Ray and everyone else who really knows how I am agree that I need to be seeing someone at MINIMUM once a week. But I like her, I don't want to have to try to get used to someone new. I've had at least 15 therapists since I started seeing therapists and maybe 2 of them I felt I could talk to and she is one of the 2. I just really don't know what to do about this. Last time I emailed her explaining this, she was like "Well once group starts you will see me every week..our policy does not let us make more than one appointment ahead of time.." ..but GROUP ENDED, it fell through, so I am NOT seeing her every week. But I know that even if when we were done our appt she wrote on the card "Next visit in one week", when the receptionist went to make it, she'd say there weren't any openings for 2 weeks, so what the fuck. She's just overbooked I guess..and I have to try to figure out what I can do about this. I'm not sure there are really any avenues I can take that would involve the same therapist..she can't help her schedule I guess...but I'm not getting what I need and I'm a mess and the doctor is useless, so therapy is basically all I have to try and keep me sane and every 2 weeks is not cutting it. I hate this situation.
My left thigh is numb. It itches a lot, but because it's numb, I can't really get any satisfaction out of scratching it. Sometimes I get stabbing pains when I am lying down in it, but otherwise it's numb and cold-feeling. I looked it up and it seems it's probably Meralgia paresthetica, which there's essentially no treatment for. Except don't wear tight clothing and lose weight. I am so sick of every fucking doctor's solution to help ANYTHING AT ALL "Oh well it's always good to lose weight". I GO TO THE FUCKING Y WHEN I CAN GET A FUCKING RIDE. I can't fucking help it that I don't have a car, neither does Ray, and my mother is always too busy shuffling Valerie around to drive me there. But I go when I can. I have been trying to buy better groceries. I try to always eat fruit and yoghurt for snacks. But like that's my fucking business, I don't want to talk about it, I'm handling it as best I can. IF you are ever even slightly thick, anything over what your official BMI should be, a doctor will always say the best thing to do for any fucking problem ever is lose weight. I know it from experience, ever since I was truly huge at 106 pounds in second grade. Like fat people DON'T KNOW they're fat. Gee, doc, thanks, that NEVER occurred to me! I fucking hate doctors. It's fucking hard to give a shit and feel like fucking exercising in front of people when everything hurts and you are exhausted all the time and you want to kill yourself every day. I just got so mad when I googled my numbness and it said if the patient is overweight, they should be told to lose weight. Oh man, I bet the patient NEVER thought of or tried that! I just hate doctors getting in your fucking business. I'm not 500 pounds. It's nobody's fucking business, and I'm handling it right now and doing better than I have in the past, so if the doctor says one goddamned word about anything even resembling weight, I'm going to give her a fucking earful. Especially since it's not like she's stick thin.
Anyway, that's just a really annoying thing. I can't feel half of my thigh. And it just itches SO MUCH and I can't get any satisfaction scratching. I mean you google that condition. There are basically no solutions other than changing your clothing, losing weight, and NSAIDS for pain. Surgery is a last resort but it said some of the surgeries can cause permanent numbness. This just sucks. I think it is a pinched nerve, like, I know I used to have something like sciatica because whenever I'd lie on my back my leg would tingle/ache like pins and needles. Now it only does that sometimes, and is mostly stabbing pain or numb and itchy. I hope they can fix it through my back somehow.
I am at my mom's today because Ray was exhausted and just didn't have the energy to come get me this morning. He's picking me up tonight so we can be together tonight & have dinner..then tomorrow afternoon my om's picking me up and taking me to the Y. Then Monday morning I have to drive my mom to an appointment, then get to my Planned Parenthood appointment really early and hope they take me before my scheduled time because when you DO get there at the scheduled time you have to wait an hour and a half, so maybe getting there an hour and a half early will make me actually get taken at the time I'm scheduled for..I'm extremely upset about it but I know they will not give me any more birth control after 3 mos so I figured I might as well get it done, and I'm hoping the really nice clinician I spoke to before on the phone will be there, I fucking asked for her and they said she 's "usually" there...I'm still going to cry and refuse to open my legs at first though..I'm very very unhappy about this, but I want them to get off my back and give me my pills. Then Monday night i'm supposed to see a movie with a friend, but we'll see if that happens. Afterwards I am taking the car to Ray's because I have a doctor appointment near his house at 8:30 am, for the numbness. Dreading that too. Then I have to rush back to Blue Bell so my sister can get to work. Then I have to have my mom drive me to the train to go see my dad, and work on my appeal. Then Thursday I have a rheumatologist appt to discuss my fucking arthritis. I am pretty pissed that they just gave me that random phone call with a woman I couldn't hardly understand and hardly said anything about it. So I've been awaiting this appointment ever since then. I want to know more and find out how they intend to treat this.
I hate having more than one appointment in one week. I hate it. I hate appointments and driving all over the world and rushing. I just want to sleep.
What an exciting day. I am going to take a shower and then accompany my mom to the dollar store, but not the one in Blue Bell because they don't have what she's looking for. Kinda doubt Family Dollar in Norristown will, because first, Family Dollar sucks. At least the one in NE Phila. It's a misnomer. They aren't a dollar store. They have many, many things that are more than a dollar. Dollar Tree is far superior. But also she's looking for Excedrin Tension Headache, or a generic version, and she has heard that they stopped making it so I doubt a place in Norristown will have it.
I slept for a while but I hope later today I can just go back to sleep. I am feeling really upset about everything anyway so I will probably take a Klonopin or two. I haven't taken any in at least a week so I don't feel bad.
Everything is just so much work. Having fun is so fucking rare. And what a BIG SURPRISE, the one thing I might have enjoyed, that has to do with the ONLY THING I WANT TO DO WITH MY LIFE, which would be going out and doing karaoke, we didn't get to do this week. Just like the week before, and the week before that. Allegedly we will definitely go this week. I doubt it. I just want to fucking do it. But I'm always tired. We could've done it one night last week but I set an alarm, like after sleeping only an hour, and was just way too tired. So that was my fault, but we both decided a few other nights we'd rather keep with our fucked-up schedule and go to movies & shit during the day so we'd never wake in time to go out at night. I hope we can change that this week.
That's the only "fun" thing I ever do, go to movies. It's a nice escape, but usually we fight about something on the way there or back. We had a huge fight on the way to a movie last week. I mean really, really big. I thought that I would be going home and we might be over. We got over it. But I'm just so, so tired of this. It's 93% me. I can't stand it, I hate the way I act and what I put everyone close to me through. I just want to get better.
A person emailed me from UPenn saying they got my name from someone I'd emailed about a previous TMS clinical trial. I wrote back and called, saying "Well, you know they said I was ineligible for the last one cos I have OCD and substance abuse history, even though I've been clean for years..I'm sure your trial has the same barriers, but if not, please let me know, because I would really love to try TMS." Maybe somehow they won't have the same rules...I really think it could help and it sucks insurance won't cover it.
I guess I am going to read until it's time to get in the shower. I dread showering. It's just so much work. I hate it. I have really dry skin and have to slather lotion all over my legs and arms and feet. I mean a lot. Layers and layers. It's just too much work. It's not worth it. What do I give a shit if I smell like cigarettes when I go out in public? Who the fuck do I have to impress? I don't care. I am usually too tired/achy/bitchy/upset to ever want to mess around with my boyfriend anyway.
I just want this gone. I want to wake up tomorrow a different person, feel like a weight has been lifted, and I am totally healed and ready to go out and try to do the things I really want to do.
I am reading Emily, Alone by Stewart O'Nan because the selection at the Northeast Regional library sucks. I wanted to read the prequel first, but they didn't have it, or any other O'Nan books I hadn't read, so I figured whatever, I have read sequels before their predecessors before. It's really good, better even than the other 3 O'Nan books I've read so far. I hate that I'm almost done it. I didn't anticipate being at my mom's another day/night, so I'm afraid I'll finish it and have nothing to read. I have the most recent Roth book here, but I don't really want to start that because I have library books at home that have deadlines and need to be read sooner..
I feel very satisfied that I continue to finish the Citypaper crossword in minutes. I will continue to pride myself on this. Same with People magazine's, though that's a no-brainer. I got almost all the way through the Inquirer's yesterday but then we went out somewhere.
I like how in my fucking ODAR report they mentioned that the claimant enjoys crosswords and wants to get up her courage to try singing in public. Like that's a fucking indicator of mental health. Hello, plenty of crazy or disabled people do crosswords. It's something you can do in bed before you go to sleep. Or on the toilet. It indicates nothing about your mental state. And the point is that i HAVEN'T gotten up the courage to sing in public and probably never will. And even if I did, it'd be for ONE FUCKING NIGHT, an exception to the rule. I'm miserable and impossible and non functioning 99.9% of the time. That judge is a fucking idiot and there are SO many ridiculous and erroneous things in that report. I cannot wait to go over it with my father and school the SSA in the appeal.
I just don't know how much longer I can do this. And I'm so tired of saying that and I know it sounds dumb to say that for very long. But every day I feel more desperate and closer to the "edge".
I just want to be normal. I can't give up thinking that someday I can.
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[27 Feb 2012|03:22am] |
I think maybe the only thing I was ever meant to learn from life is that you can't ever count on anyone, ever. Everyone will always let you down.
I feel very panicky in my chest and head. I can't do this much longer. I just can't. There is no way I can live the rest of my life like this. What rest of my life? What kind of life is this? It's not. It's just fucking avoiding as much as possible and dreading everything and doing things I can't stand and arguing and eagerly anticipating when I can sleep again. I am very afraid I am never going to get any better and if that is true, I might as well just give up now. I will not go on like this for an indefinite amount of time.
What was the point of fucking getting sober/ I would much rather be addicted to heroin than feel like this. People do drugs to escape themselves. And I am reminded why, all the time. I can't stand this person and I can't deal with this much longer. I am not dealing with it at all. All I am doing is alienating anyone who ever gave a shit.
Everything just hurts too much and everything is too fucking hard. I'm sorry that apparently no one can understand that or see it as a real, debilitating condition. Maybe when I am gone someone will realise that I wasn't making it up or exaggerating.
I have a razor in my nightstand and I can't decide whether to use it. I hate the idea and I know R does not want a girlfriend with cuts on herself. But I feel like I am going to explode and I don't know what else to do. I literally feel like running out into traffic right now and I have to do something. Believe me, if I had fucking drugs I would do them. I would fucking kill for some drugs right now.
I am petting my cat but she's just lying here like she doesn't know what to do either. I am afraid she might jump off the bed at any time.
I hate this person and I can't be her much longer.
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[12 Feb 2012|07:50am] |
Everything is so fucking hard.
I made myself a sandwich and didn't have the fucking energy to wash a plate, so I put it in a bowl, and I set it down for a second and it fell and I burst into tears and was just crying hysterically and yelling. Because I spilled my sandwich. That's fucked up. And Ray shouldn't have to live with that.
I really don't think the medications are helping. And the Klonopin makes me so so sleepy all the time. I feel like any sleep I get is never ever enough.
And we are not going to have any car at all this week or for the foreseeable future. Can't fucking borrow my mom's because she has an appointment and has to help Valerie move on Wednesday. I could at least have used it Monday-Tuesday night but no, Valerie has two work shifts to get to Tuesday, and my mom has some appointment. I hate being trapped here. It's not worth taking two buses to go to a movie. I just hate being stuck at home all the time. Franklin Mills has movies for $5 on some days but I know Ray won't want to take a bus there. I just feel so fucking hopeless. My life is shit. I don't think it's ever going to get any better and I'm terrified I'm just going to feel like this and act like this forever. And that is all I ever say so I am just going to stop.
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[09 Feb 2012|09:04am] |
I got blood work done. I guess I need to call doctor but they never have appointments for like 6 mos so I am sure they will just say well just come to your scheduled appt in March. Which makes me angry as I would like info before then.
I am disproportionately upset at the number of facebook friends who did not wish me a happy birthday, and I will NOT just get over it. They have obviously been online a lot and I don't know what I did to them, and I make a point of ALWAYS wishing fb friends a happy birthday. Dammit.
My glasses got smashed. I was so so so upset and went crazy.
I ordered new ones that I fear will not look good but they were cheap and hopefully will come within 14 days.
Neither Ray nor I have any sort of vehicle. He is going with his mom to look at cars today and I am frustrated w that situation and do not want to talk about it.
I thought the Luvox and Klonopin were working for a few days there but I have been crying almost nonstop the past two days so I don't know what is going on.
I did go to the YMCA and worked my ass off. Just have to figure out way to get there again and again.
Very frustrated. Have therapy appointment in an hour.
Nothing else really. Maybe more later.
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[31 Jan 2012|01:17pm] |
I don't even have anything new or exciting to report.
Saw a few movies. None were great. Though am going to see The Artist tonight so maybe it will be good.
I started taking Luvox. Don't feel anything yet..but it's only been like a week and a half or so. The doctor gave me a prescription for a higher dose. So I will pick that up tomorrow. Maybe that will do something.
I found out I have osteoarthritis in my knees! Of course the doctor who called me had a very thick accent and I could not understand hardly anything she said, but I got that much. She told me to get the blood work they ordered, then make another appointment. I just feel very validated. Now I know that all my years of knee agony were caused by something!
I like how I ordered a book from the library literally 3 or 4 weeks ago and it is still "unavailable for pickup". What the fuck? Why? The library is very frustrating. Especially how they're closed Mondays and don't open until 1 pm Tuesdays.
We are supposed to go to the Y tomorrow but I have a feeling he won't feel like. I guess I could go myself.
I am supposed to go with my mom to get the blood work done Thursday. Then go out to eat for my sister's birthday. And mine, I guess. Even though it's not til next week.
I don't even care about my birthday. I never do anything for it. I'm past the age when people give me presents for my birthday. And what is 27? It's not significant. Just another year closer to 30, which is very upsetting.
I really, really hate Adele.
I am just so tired of being broke and feeling like shit and freaking out and fighting with people.
I hope I feel better soon. I don't see any reason for Luvox to work but I will keep taking it. At least for a while.
So Ray's insurance company said that the estimate the guy gave them was for more than the car is worth or whatever. I think that's what he wanted. He wanted a cheque to put down on a new car. But I feel sad about his old car. And it's not like he can go and get a new car tomorrow. He'd have to bring his mom with him to cosign for a loan. And that could be difficult, but it would take a while to pick a car out anyway. It is stressing me out to think about. He only has the rental for a few more days. I wish I had a car. I feel really bad about his car. If he hadn't been driving in the snow to come pick me up, he wouldn't have had the accident.
I just feel like screaming. I am so, so angry all the time. My therapist tried to get me to take deep breaths and like do mindfulness shit..but I can't. I just can't. I tried to do it at home and it doesn't work. I can't quiet my mind. I just get more upset because it doesn't work. I will pick up my Klonopin prescription tomorrow maybe. Maybe that will help when I can't calm down.
Everything is just a chore, and no fun. I have to rinse and cut lettuce, rinse, peel, and cut a cucumber, and rinse and cut a tomato for salad. Even that is bumming me out. It's too much. My back hurts standing at the sink. Then Ray will want to go to bed for a while before we have to go to East Norriton and pick up Lou, and go to a movie. But I won't be tired because I slept more than Ray did last night. I will stay up watching television but I start feeling antsy and panicky. I don't know why. I just do. I dread everything. I don't enjoy anything. I hate this.
I like how I still haven't heard back from my contact at my school. I wrote her like "Just checking, I know Mr. Y told me that you're waiting to hear from the Newcombe foundation about whether I got the scholarship funds but that was a week or two ago, so just wanted to see if there's any news, as I'd really like to be able to pick up my diploma.." and NO RESPONSE. I am so tired of this. How fucking long does this take? I am scared I will not get the scholarship. And just be fucked, because I just won't ever be able to pay what I owe and get my diploma.
I can't think anymore. I don't have anything to say. I will go make salad now.
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[22 Jan 2012|07:31pm] |
Someone very close to me, the person I worry about and love and owe more to than anyone else, is in trouble. They received a letter saying that they must come up with 200 thousand dollars in 30 days or foreclosure proceedings will begin. They don't even have anywhere to go if they lose their house. I sent Cheri Honkala a facebook message but I doubt she has time to write back. I just need a miracle. This person deserves their house more than anyone. Their life has been all shit for years. And years. They've been fucked over and shat on and I just wish so bad I could fix this. If you have any ideas please let me know.
I am reading a lot even though I am not that into any of the books I have right now. Ray has a few Bukowski books I know I would like, but I don't want to start them and then have the ones I ordered from the library arrive and feel rushed.
I 100% need to get to the Y this week. Ray keeps saying he will go but I don't think he realises he will have to pay the $20.98 to start his membership. He won't. Maybe they'll let me set up my membership thru my insurance and then he can come as a guest for a one-day fee or something. Everything is so fucking complicated.
I am very stressed about the car situation. He's going to take it to the repair place Monday I guess. Does State Farm pay for repairs since they're caused by an accident? There's no way we can afford to.
I worry about my cats so much.
I worry about a lot of people too.
I just don't know what I am going to do. I feel like I can't live the rest of my life with my brain feeling like this. I just can't face that. I am terrified it will never get better. And so angry because it WAS better, when I was a kid and early teen. I didn't feel this way. I felt normal and I had fun. I don't understand what happened.
Livejournal is pointless for a person like me.
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