Real Like A Plastic Bouquet (glortw) wrote,
Real Like A Plastic Bouquet
glortw

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God be with you till we meet again

I thought that I was finished crying and being upset about Rocky..but yesterday morning Ray just had to lie next to me and listen as I cried and cried. I just hate this. How the FUCK CAN I LIVE WITH THIS UNTIL I DIE? Maybe my 12 years of smoking will have already ruined my lungs and I have cancer and don't know it and I am dying anyway. Because living until I'm 70 or 80 or something, and never seeing my little boy until then..I can't deal with that. I cannot honestly foresee being able to stand it. I love that boy SO MUCH. Ray agrees, that most pet owners do not love their animals as much as I do. I am obsessed with my cats, and everyone always would tell me they were worried about what I would do when one of my cats died. I always brushed it off because I thought my God would not DO THAT TO ME while I lack coping skills and am still crazy and barely hanging on anyway.

I just don't know why this happened. He didn't deserve this. He was so, so innocent and GOOD. Just pure and full of love. he never hurt or lied to or yelled at or bitched at anyone in his life. He just wanted to be brushed, have his stomach petted, and have water and food. I am reading this book by Sylvia Browne (shut up if you think she's a charlatan, I don't), and she says animals are just pure love, they don't have any of the negativity humans absorb from their environment and the people around them. This is so true. They have no ulterior motives, they just want to give and receive love.
But why are they in our lives for such a short period of time? Why do turtles live so long but the most common house pets don't? I would much rather know that turtles die after 15-20 years than the best animals in the world.

I just keep telling Rocky I am so, so sorry. I love him so, so much. I just wish this had happened to literally almost anyone except him. I could handle it if it was me. I could prepare myself to die. I don't care so much about living. But he deserved to live a long, healthy life. Not get terribly sick and stop eating and die in a fucking car.

They keep saying to focus on the good times we had. But even the good times were sullied by his skin problems, I was always worried about his rash and wounds. Even though in the last year or two they were better. He had too many years with skin problems, and it still makes me hurt so much and want to tear the hearts out of all the people who made fun of him. How can you seriously make fun of an innocent animal with a skin irritation that causes him to have a red wound that most likely hurts, and definitely itches and irritates him? Who the FUCK DOES THAT? One of these people, who I haven't seen in years, was trying to hang out lately. First he canceled, then I did, then Rocky died, and he saw on facebook and sent a message to the effect of "Well, let me know when you feel like hanging out, we will send ol' Rocky off in style, I'll get some champagne." Right, I'm supposed to forget the things you said about him? How you talked about his leg wound like he was a leper or something? I just accepted it at the time because I knew I loved my cats wholly, and had a good time otherwise with this person. But now my best friend in the world, my son, is gone, and the fact that I didn't defend him harder back then bothers me. I did say "that's not nice, that's my boy, he can't help it" or some shit, these years ago, when X was a fixture in my life..but he would still act grossed out and say things about Rocky's leg.
I just don't want to see him right now. He's not a bad person, but I know he never cared about his pets the way I do. They just were kind of there, animals his parents chose to have, and he didn't sleep with them or tell them he loved them or anything.

I just don't want to talk to or see anyone who didn't love Rocky and know how much he meant to him. So basically I've only been seeing my family and Ray. Ray would always talk to Rocky and pet him and tell him what a cool cat he was. He was his favourite. Whenever strangers came over, they always fawned over Baby because she has unusual colours, she's very furry and soft, etc..Rocky was a tabby, which I guess is a common colour configuration, and more standoffish. He had to really know you to come see you, or get a good feeling about you. He'd always jump up on the counter whenever Ray was in the kitchen and Ray would pet him and just look at him and say how cool he was and call him "Rocko Johnson". Ray was always more a fan of Rocky. He likes Baby, he thinks she's cute, he knows she means the world to me, but he really loved Rocky, they had a special relationship. It gives me comfort when I repeatedly say to Ray "You loved him, right? You really liked him a lot? He was a cool cat, right? You promise you'll never forget him, even if we break up?" and he reassures me yes on all counts. He just listens to me cry and hugs me and reminds me how much I loved Rocky and that Rocky knew that.

But what if he didn't? What if he thinks I abandoned him and let him die? I just hope he knows if I had known he was THAT SICK sooner, I'd have tried to do something to help him. But he seemed alright. Even two Saturdays ago, August 11th, the day he died, I had no idea he was really going to DIE. I thought "Okay, we got to get the money together to get him to the emergency place so they can give him a transfusion.." but honestly, I didn't grasp that he was really, REALLY sick. He just sat in that corner of the dining room, drinking water every so often, just sitting there, sort of half asleep. I am so glad I had that last morning with him. But then the horrible last half hour or so..trying so hard to get him to the vet in time...and knowing he was dead but hoping they could revive him..and then holding him wrapped in that towel like a baby, and he looked like himself but it was just bizarre because he didn't feel right, he was so limp, and his eyes were open..my poor, poor boy. I wish I could erase the memory of that last hour, when I gave him the water in the dropper, and frantically calling my dad and Rocky collapsing while I was on the phone, and driving to the vet like a maniac, begging him to stay with me the whole way, and getting there and them telling me there was nothing they could do, and then holding him for that half hour..
I guess I'm glad I got to hold him one last time. I would give anything to hold him again, even dead.
But it was so horrible. It just seemed like it couldn't really be happening.

Every day I have to remember he's gone.
I keep picking up his blanket and pillows in the living room window. I don't ever want my mother to get rid of them. I want his fur on those things forever.

Baby never went in the living room very much. A few times over the past few weeks, she's lain (laid?) down in the ray of sunlight on the carpet there, just like Rocky used to. I wonder what she thinks happened. I am pretty sure once he came back from the vet she knew he was pretty sick..

I don't even remember if I wrote it in here but the vet said Baby is healthy, with extraordinarily healthy teeth with no visible tartar, good breathing sounds on both sides, normal temperature, etc.
That it was probably just a cold that would work itself out.
But then a day or two later she started sneezing, way more than before. I mean, she'd have a bout of like 8 sneezes at a time.
I got worried.
But what could I do? We couldn't afford another vet visit. I hope it is just the tail end of the cold, which includes sneeziness.
And since Friday morning, she hasn't sneezed. My mother says since I left to go to Ray's, she hasn't seen Baby sneeze at all. So maybe that's better now.
I just can't help worrying about her. It makes me sick in my stomach. I can't lose her. I love her so much, and she's all I have. So I am just trying to believe she's alright. The vet would've noticed if some part of her didn't feel or look right.

I'll be going home again tomorrow. I can't wait to see her. I have an appointment Monday. Then Wednesday I have another appointment. I hate appointments. I don't see the good they do.

Oh..I went to the doctor last week. The regular one and the psychiatrist. The regular one said I have bronchitis. And to not smoke, it was like putting a match to fire, or some shit. But I can't just QUIT. It doesn't work that way. Then I googled bronchitis and got scared because it said if you keep smoking you can damage or ruin the cilia in your lungs, which protect them. And get COPD. I don't want that. I want to not smoke, really..but I just can't deal with that right now. I don't have the money for e-cigarettes. And my boyfriend still smokes. It's going to be hard to be around that if I'm smoking fake cigarettes. Maybe in a few months I'll try it.
I don't have a fever anymore, but I'm still wheezing.
The cough syrup they gave me..see, this is just evidence of how unfamiliar regular doctors are with the details of antidepressants. The dr I saw had never heard of Emsam. And when he said he was prescribing a cough medicine, I said, "Well, does it have DXM in it? I know you can't have DXM on MAOIs" and he was like "I'm not sure about that..well, the computer will tell me if there is an interaction." And the computer showed no interaction. But then I spoke to Walgreens who informed me there was a "major, major" interaction with the syrup he prescribed and my Emsam. So..why the hell is a DOCTOR's computer not capable of catching this but a PHARMACY's is?! Scary. So they got him to prescribe a different one, but I looked on the little information packet about the other one, and it says "Additional monitoring of your dose or condition may be needed if you are taking:....selegiline". What does additional monitoring of my dose or condition mean?! So I called the pharmacy and the lady I spoke to was not the same person who'd warned me of the interaction, she just insisted that since this syrup did not contain DXM it was fine.
Then why that warning in the information packet?
So I left my psychiatrist a message asking him if he thought it'd be okay.
I tried the stuff once and it tastes absolutely disgusting, like, worse than most liquid medications, so I doubt I'll take it again anyway..

The psychiatrist went fine I guess. He says it can take 4-6 weeks for me to notice a difference so I am staying on 6 mg for now, I'll see him in 3 weeks and see how I feel then. I mean, maybe I would've gone even crazier if Rocky had died and I wasn't on any medication. But I cried more than I ever did in my life combined, and I'm still crying, so I worry this stuff isn't doing anything. I don't really know.

I just don't really feel like doing anything or going anywhere. Plus, I am broke and have no clue when I'll ever have money again, so it's pretty hard to make plans.

I have done a few things with Ray. We saw Hope Springs (Weird, too long, not very good), The Campaign (amusing), and The Expendables 2 (AWESOME). I've been reading a lot, I guess. And watching Damages. But now I'm all caught up so I can't wait for the new episode Wednesday! I've started another show, Hit & Miss with Chloe Sevigny. Not sure how I feel about it yet, but the prosthetic penis is pretty realistic!

I'm just scared it'll always be this ...heavy weighing on me and always hurt this bad. I can't stand it. Sometimes, for a few hours, I don't think about it that much, but then it comes back and it hurts a lot. I just never ever anticipated how bad this would hurt.

My wonderful little boy. He was just so good. So much BETTER than most people I know. I have a lot of fake friends and frienemies, and I just think, honestly, I'd rather them be gone than him. For example, one person who I may have mentioned before is just annoying. Constantly making jokes and I have to act like he's hilarious all the time, plus at like age 30 or so he does not drive, lives at home, has never had a serious relationship, etc, and just acts like life is all about laughing about celebrities or whatever. I just get sick of it. And they got mad at me for not having the desire or time to drive 20 or so miles each way to go get them and listen to them do their shtick for hours, when I really just don't get much out of it..anyway, we were still facebook friends, and would occasionally comment on each other's posts..then they invited me to a movie showing but it was the night before Rocky died so I ended up not going, and I am almost positive this person is so pissed about that that they aren't speaking to me. They never left one single word of condolence about my cat. Even though they also have a cat and know how much mine mean to me. So fuck them. You are supposed to be my friend and can't even say you're fucking sorry the love of my life died? Don't think I'll be making any effort to see them or even talk to them anytime soon.

My best friend is in California until the 28th. She's really the only person I would want to see, because I could go on and on and on about Rocky and she wouldn't mind. But her boyfriend ...well, I won't get into that publicly, but we both know he's not very good for her, but she has decided to try and "make the relationship work" though it's ..completely hopeless, and anyone can see she's resigning herself to just being miserable..so that's upsetting, and I can't really say anything now that she's for some reason decided to try and stay with him. Not try, she will. She'll let herself be treated like shit. She'll never leave him. It reminds me of the Ani DiFranco song "Fixing Her Hair", which used to remind me of my ex-best friend until she chose her boyfriend over our friendship. I know my current best friend would never do that, but I just hate to see her unhappy when she could do so much better.
and i think
what is this beautiful beautiful woman settling for?
....
he says he loves her
he says he's changing
and he can keep her warm
and so she sits there like America
suffering through slow reform
but she'll never get back the time
and the years sneak by
one by one
she is still playing the martyr
i am still praying for revolution.

It's just pointless to even get upset about. I will never, ever make her change her mind. She's decided to stay in that relationship, even after all the horrible things she's told me he says to her, and how much she resents him, and he shows that he doesn't give a shit about her feelings.
I can't do anything.
I just hope I can avoid having to see him. I just hope next time we get together I can get some money from my mother or something so I can say "Can we just go to a movie?" because I can't stomach sitting in that dreary room with him babbling on and on. He's extremely conceited (without reason to be) and never shuts up and basically just stifles her. It's just sad.

But it's nothing, really, compared to the only thing that matters, the fact that my little boy is gone. Everything that happens every day, that people write about on facebook, I just don't give a shit at all. I just want my Rocky back. That's all. I would put up with being miserable, with feeling like a mess and not functioning and all that, because I would never have to know the very DEEPEST level of sadness that I did not even know existed before this happened. I thought I was miserable before but I'd give anything to have my Rocky back and feel that shitty. Because that was seriously nowhere near as ..deep and..consuming as this.
This is just the worst. The hardest thing ever. The worst thing that ever happened to me or could happen. And nobody understands because they didn't love him like I did. I loved him TOTALLY and he meant EVERYTHING to me and honestly NOBODY besides Baby was as important to me.
I just want to pet him one more time. One more day with him.
I hate this.
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