Real Like A Plastic Bouquet (glortw) wrote,

thou who never lost a battle, stand by me.

I am getting a panicky feeling in my chest again. Baby is sneezing a LOT, like at least once an hour, unless she's asleep. There's no way we can take her to the vet again. She's still eating and acting normal and purring and lying with me..but she's sneezing a lot. I can't stand for her to be sick and there's nothing I can do about it. There are food pantries and clinics for poor people..but nothing for poor pet owners. I just think that's fucked up. A conservative might say "Well, if you're that poor, you shouldn't have bought a pet." but when we bought the cats, we had a different financial situation. In 1999, we weren't DEAD BROKE. My mother was still receiving child support, and in better health, etc. We had no idea things would get this bad. I am just praying really, really hard. I need Baby to just get better. It's just a cold..nobody ever died of sneezing, right? ..it just upsets me.

I had an argument with Ray yesterday and he had to go to sleep and I just got into that Bad Place..I lay in bed just crying and thinking "I have to do it, I just have to die. There's no reason for me to live. I can't do this. There's just nothing left." Then I listened to some Elvis Presley gospel songs and I just came out of it. This is a part of emotional intensity disorder I hate.. things just REALLY get to me and I get way more upset than a regular person would and take it too far, too seriously..it goes away, I just hate the time I feel horrible until it does.

It makes me doubly sad to listen to these Elvis songs because not only do they make me think of Rocky, but they remind me of times with my father, when I was younger, and how much simpler life was then, and how I'd see him more often. It's just hard to see him. I really, really can't deal with public transportation, and unless he happens to be in Montgomery County when I am, that's the only way I can see him, taking a bus and then the el to his office. It just upsets me, the whole process of taking the bus and the el. I fucking hate everyone staring at me as I wait for it, I hate riding it and people looking at me and sitting next to me, how loud it is, I just hate it. I miss my dad. I just don't feel capable of making myself do all that to get to his office very often. I wish he would be in my area more.

Oh by the way our house fucking sold and we have to be out September 25!! AWESOME!

Baby just sneezed twice. I really, really need this to stop.

I have to go to an appointment today. But my mother just found out she has a job interview 15 minutes after my appointment. So she's going to it right after dropping me off. So I'll end up sitting at Northwestern Human Services for like an hour waiting for her. The type of people in the waiting room there are similar to the ones at Northeast Community Center for Mental Health and Mental Retardation. Either loud and obnoxious, or they try to have conversations with you. I hate talking to strangers. But the type of clientele who go to NHS will always want to tell you all about their life, problems, and medications. I hate that shit.

I have to take a shower, which is a pain in the ass. I hate the whole thing..trying to get every nook and cranny clean, shaving my armpit over and over because the hair is short and thus never seems to come up the first time I put a razor over it, how long it takes to rinse the body wash out of my body pouf, trying to rinse the conditioner out of my hair, and all the lotion I have to apply afterward. Of course I feel better after, but it's just a pain in the ass. Everything is. I don't feel like doing anything.

But maybe it's just not been enough time and the medication will start working.

I just want Baby to be totally healthy. I don't care about what a complete mess my life is and how broke I am and how badly I am living like a regular human being. I just need her to stop sneezing.

I am occupying a lot of my time with television series as usual. Since I'm now up to date with Damages, I had no choice but to start another series, so I tried The Shield. I'm ambivalent so far. I don't like dirty cops, or morally ambiguous ones. Vic Mackey seems like a cocky guy who we're supposed to think always gets the REALLY bad guys, so it's okay that he lets other bad guys (not as bad) go, or makes deals with them, or that he shot his coworker who was secretly investigating. I just don't think I like this main character too much. I like my protagonists like Jack Bauer, a moral man, who does what's right, and is never selfish or caring about his own ass, he just wants to help people and get all the evildoers. Vic Mackey is kind of a dick. But I'll try a few more episodes before giving up..

I'm still sick, but not as bad. I am still coughing and wheezing, but it's just an annoyance.
I finished the antibiotic so hopefully the bacterial infection is going away..

There are some people I really need to cut ties with, but it'll be a huge drama-filled deal when I do..it's mainly one person who showed what an asshole they were years ago, and I never should've let back into my life in any capacity, but now they've like wormed their way in way more than I wanted, and I need to get rid of them, because they've proved to be exactly who they were.
I just hate confrontation. I think I'll just write them a long message or something on facebook..

I really hate IBS. I don't even know if it's due to the IBS, but going to the bathroom is really difficult these days. If you poop regularly and easily, be grateful.

It rained a whole lot. I can't decide if it's depressing or refreshing.
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