I have been at Ray's the past few days and I am of course worried about Baby..my mother said she didn't sneeze last night, so that's good..
It's upsetting to think in a month I won't be here anymore, but I'm okay with it. I like my house, I don't mind being there until we are able to get a place.
I am still a little bit sick but not as much. But I really need to come up with something better to do with myself for some tiny bit of exercise than riding my bike. I cannot stand to ride it in my mother's neighbourhood. The hills are just unbearable for someone with my diminished lung capacity, plus it's just very hard to get the bicycle to move at all. We did yoga a week or two ago, but it was excruciating because we did like all 30 poses, when apparently we should only have tried a few at a time since we'd never done it before.
I really just hate being outdoors, especially in this weather, so pretty much anything involving even walking is out of the question unless my mother and I go for walks at night again, which I guess we could.
I just have to bring my bike to Ray's whenever he gets his new place. The city is much much more hospitable to bike riders.
I miss my Rocky so, so much. I keep thinking about him and his last days and hours. I hate it. I just hate that he's gone. And the world has continued to exist and move on and such. I don't want to, I want to pet him again, I want to stare at his pictures and just sit and miss him, but I can't, really. I just hate not having him in my life. He was just so, so good and innocent. I haven't seen any of my friends lately and don't care to. Besides the usual not-feeling-like-being-social because I feel like shit all the time and am not fun to be around, now I especially don't want to, because I'm still really sad about my cat and I don't want to sit and talk about it to anyone besides my boyfriend or my mother. I probably already said this. My best friend has been back from California for a few days and still hasn't emailed me back. That bothers me. I know her boyfriend takes up a lot of her time and hanging out isn't that easy to arrange, but it takes 5 minutes to write an email.
It's pretty sick but the other day I was just going through a whole list of people I wish had died instead of Rocky. Ray was surprised at who was on it, but really come on. That was my son. I could have handled and would have preferred a great number of people's deaths rather than his.
I don't feel any different, and I just keep hoping the medication just needs more time.
My phone will be shut off on the 5th. Really, I don't even care. Ray can just call my mom's house phone to reach me when I'm there. There's nothing terribly important I would need to do with my cell phone. Fuck it.
My mother has a colleague who works for the Department of Welfare and she emailed them explaining my situation and asked if there was any sort of help available (even though I already know there isn't) and this bitch was all like "She needs to be persistent with her SSI application"..what the fuck do you expect me to do? It's under review, and has been since fucking March. What REALLY bothered me was she was like "It's really amazing all the nonsense and paperwork these people will put themselves through just for a measly $205 a month, when you can make that much doing less than two hours of caricatures." Uh. Okay, hello, do you not realise that your own organisation, when it DID offer this great big $205 a month, made people PROVE they couldn't work? Don't you think if people who received welfare could do caricatures, they WOULD? Oh, okay, they're just LAZY. It just made me so angry because she of all people should be aware of the lengths a person has to go to to receive welfare, they must prove they cannot work, or cannot find it, and if they can't find it, they have to go to all sorts of job seminars and training and take whatever job the DPW finds you. She made it sound like "these people" are just so lazy when they could be out doing caricatures. Of course! Because living on $205 a month was awesome, and people would definitely choose it if they instead could have a real job. And now they've taken that away, so people are living on no cash at all and $200 in food assistance. I would like to see this woman feed her household with $200 for food a month, and how she'd manage to live without any cash at all, except what her broke mother could give her. Be persistent with SSI? What the HELL ELSE CAN I DO? I called them! They told me it could take 10 months! WHAT ELSE DO YOU WANT ME TO DO, BITCH?
A number of people have been pissing me off lately. Don't even feel like writing about it.
I'm just fed up, tired, in pain, sad, broke, and irritated. I'll at least see my cat tomorrow.