the walls of my room are closing in
A lot of the songs are about women who've been burned in the past, and the singer is trying to show her he won't hurt her. I remember listening to "Be True" repeatedly when I first met Ray, even before I did, and it was me to a tee and then when I met Ray I was so astounded that a man like him actually existed. He paid for my drinks and dinner! He treated me with respect! He was intelligent, he READ FOR LEISURE, he was familiar with both Nietzsche and the oeuvre of F. Murray Abraham. And he was a real man. He cared about treating me right.
you see all the romantic movies, you dream and take the boys home
but when the action fades you're left all alone
you deserve better than this, little girl can't you see you do?
do you need somebody to prove it to you?
well you prove it to me and i'll prove it to you
now every night you go out looking for true love's satisfaction
but in the morning you end up settling for just lights, camera, action
and another cameo role with some bit player you're befriending
you're gonna go broken-hearted looking for that happy ending
well girl you're gonna end up just another lonely ticket sold
cryin alone in the theatre as the credits roll
you say i'll be like those other guys
who filled your head with pretty lies
and dreams that can never come true
well baby you be true to me
and i'll be true to you
I'm sure it's no secret, but just in case it is, let it be known that I really don't care about broadcasting it publicly. I can count on one hand the people who read this, anyway. Before I met Ray, I was in a bad place. I was, as you might say, free with my love. I wasn't a barfly or anything, but I made poor decisions and there are quite a few men I wish I'd never gone on dates with or anything else. I'm not going into numbers, but I just..my last 'serious' boyfriend, I trusted with my virginity, which I'd been waiting and waiting (21 years!) til I found someone I felt I could trust and wouldn't hurt me..and this guy dumped me within a month of me giving that up. That really, really messed me up. I mean, the first night, I cried all the way home, and that was when we were still together! I had some really big issues about sex, obviously. But anyway, I really trusted him. I thought we had a future. And then out of nowhere he dumped me..in an AOL instant message. Classy. I was so upset and felt so STUPID, you know? I gave up on trusting men, but at the same time I kept hoping I'd meet one to prove me wrong, one to be good and actually like me as a person and want to get to know me and have a real relationship. So, I went and met a bunch of guys, mostly through craigslist. It was always under the guise of us both being in the market for a long-term relationship..but they always turned out to be the type who really just wanted to hook up and never talk to you again..or talk to you again only when they wanted to mess again. I would keep meeting them, and keep seeing the ones who obviously didn't care to actually spend quality time with me, because I'd keep thinking "Well, maybe they'll see that I'm fun, they'll discover my personality, by giving them what they want then maybe they'll get a desire to want to get to know me better..then they'll fall for me.." or some sort of DUMB idea like that. I'd take what I could get and think I'd charm them, win them over...after being slutty.
Doesn't work that way.
When I met my boyfriend, I was still in a ridiculous situation with this guy I'll call T. He was so the opposite of anyone I would ever even want a relationship with, and I really only met him because I knew my parents wouldn't be too crazy about it, because he was black. If he'd actually been a good person, who cared about me, who treated me well, I would not have had a problem telling my parents "Too bad, I'm seeing him anyway", but instead I lied to my mom whenever I'd go to his house, because I knew he was treating me like a whore, and I mentioned it to my dad just to get a rise out of him, but left out the part about how I only ever drove to his house (or, once, just met him in my car). We had nothing to really talk about. He listened to shitty music, liked anime, and lived in a really ghetto area. (Way, way down Cottman, then way down Torresdale. Sure, it wasn't the actual ghetto, but it wasn't pleasant late at night for me.) And he told me his mother was some sort of strict Muslim and hated white people, so I wasn't allowed to be at his house, I had to sneak in when she was in bed or gone. And that was it. He snuck to my house once or twice, which was even awkward-er..but he always treated me like..well, like a piece of meat. And he wouldn't answer my texts or IMs half the time, I'd always have to wait til he decided he wanted to see me. I didn't have a good time. I felt trashy, used, and gross. But I kept doing it because..why? I guess I was lonely..and I felt rebellious, like "I'm meeting with someone my parents would hate for me to be dating". But we weren't even dating. I finally realised he did not ever want a relationship, and got fed up with the sneaking around, the "let's get down to business" and lack of any conversation, even when I tried to make it happen..and I'd pretty much decided I never wanted to see him again. I stopped answering when he'd call..
Then I met Ray. I had a fantastic time our first date. I'd never had a first date like that. We never ran out of things to talk about, we joked, we had the same favourite movies and directors, knew the same bands..I remember a big "aha" moment came when we were in this bar and talking and he said he liked Bruce Springsteen. He looked too cool for that, like a typical hipster type who'd think he was corny. But he said he loved him, had seen him in concert, and I just knew right then, this guy is for me. This guy is perfect. He was so SMART, and gorgeous, and I just couldn't even believe it. I thought he hated me, he had to, he was too perfect to want me. But he asked if he could kiss me outside the bar, right on Cottman Avenue, and I was on cloud 9. Then we went back to his house and just TALKED. We sat on his couched and talked for like 6 hours. I thought he wouldn't ever call, though..then he emailed me a few days later telling me what a great time he had, and called me that weekend, and we started seeing each other every weekend. But for the first few weeks, I still wasn't sure how much he liked me, if he was just testing me out or whatever..so I wasn't sure if I should definitely cut loose T. But I didn't LIKE T. I didn't enjoy my time with him. With Ray, I had the best times of my life. So I don't even know why I saw T one last time. I'd only met Ray like twice before then, so I didn't know where things were going with Ray, you know? I wasn't sure if it was serious. I wanted it to be, but I didn't know how he felt. So I guess I thought I'd see T one more time, to see if there was anything there, if I could still have him as a backup if things didn't work out with Ray..but it was horrible. It just totally reminded me why I hated being with him, and I felt disgusting, and I vowed as I left to never have anything to do with him again, and I didn't.
But I wish I'd not done that. Months later, when we were already living together, I told Ray about it, and he was kind of upset. But I mean, I didn't know where things were going with him! I just ..I don't know. I wanted to make sure I was done with T. But because of his past, Ray of course thought well, what if I'd actually kept seeing T this whole time? What if I still was? It was just a mess...but eventually I got it straightened out. If I had anything to hide, I wouldn't have voluntarily told him I saw T again after I met Ray. That was all. One time. A week or two after I met Ray.
I don't know why I even thought of all this. Just I guess listening to all these Springsteen songs reminds me of when we first got together.
In "Tougher Than The Rest", there are a few lines that reminded me of me and my past.
maybe your other boyfriends
couldn't pass the test
well if you're rough and ready for love
honey i'm tougher than the rest.
well it ain't no secret
i've been around a time or two
well i don't know baby
maybe you've been around too..
And, of course, Ray had had a horrible experience in his past, a bad relationship, and I wanted him to know that I was different. I actually made a craigslist Missed Connection post just for him to see, in which I quoted this song, saying
"well there's another dance
all you gotta do is say yes.."
In the beginning of the song it says "So somebody ran out, left somebody's heart in a mess.." and that really applied to both of us. Ever since E, my virginity-taking ex dumped me, I'd been a mess, just flailing about, kissing all sorts of frogs, hoping one of them would decide I was worthy of love.
It was just like a miracle that Ray picked me. He was seeing another girl at the time, and he told me after he met me, he broke all his subsequent dates with her. He just felt like there was something special between us. There was. There is. We just have something. And we've had it for over 4 years. That's amazing to me. Before him, my longest relationship was like 7 months. I'd certainly never lived with anyone, had to cook dinner or anything. But I like it. I just hate how much I've put him through. I mean, I definitely pretended to be someone normal and sane when we first got to know each other. I hid my crazy, as I think most people do in the early stages of a relationship. But he really didn't know what he was in for. I feel bad for doing that to him. But I can only say that he hasn't been a breeze to deal with for the entire relationship, either. But any of his issues, they were resolved like 2 years ago. Since like 2010, it's basically been him being the patience-of-a-saint-having boyfriend whose girlfriend is a nutcase and drives him crazy, but acts cute and sweet when she isn't freaking out, so he sticks around in the hopes that she really will get better one day.
And I have to. I have to.
I don't want this. I hate who I am right now. I have very concrete ideas of who I want to be, and almost every aspect of my personality would be totally different. My family and Ray always tell me I can never be assertive with my friends or strangers who're rude or mean to me, but I have no problem being mean to the people I love most (i.e. my family and Ray). I mean, I am a real bitch to my mom, sister, and Ray, and yet I go out of my way to be nice to strangers, or frienemies. This is true. I just can't stand to have anyone mad at me..but I guess I think if the people close to me get mad, they'll get over it, cos they'll always love me, but strangers or friends might stay mad. I hate the feeling of knowing someone is mad at me. So many times friends or frienemies have hurt my feelings or fucked me over and I just kept quiet and bitched about it to Ray, because I didn't want to argue with them or make them mad. Or like I'll always give Ray an attitude if we are at a drive-through restaurant and he doesn't have the money ready when we pull up, I'll like rush him and get really mad if he doesn't have the exact change out ready to hand the employee, because I'm so terrified of making the employee wait, thus them possibly getting mad. It's just little things like that. When I go to Wawa, I always hold the door for people, even though only about half of them say thank you, but I am a bit ridiculous about it..I will hold the door when someone has not even entered the parking lot yet, is like 30 feet away, just because I don't want them to think I dissed them by seeing them coming and not holding it.
I am just a ridiculous person.
And I really don't know what brought on this entry, or the point of it. Just stuff I felt like saying I guess. If you took the time to click on the underlined text and actually read all the rambling behind the cut, I can't imagine why, and I appreciate it. Just stuff I felt like getting out, I guess. I guess I think reexamining my past might make me understand why I am the way I am in some respects.
I took a long walk with my mother last night. I got sweaty. But it's at least something. One thing I look forward to about whenever Ray gets his new place is bringing my bike there. I can't wait to ride it on flat roads. For now I think I'll just try to take more walks.
My mom made chicken cacciatore and I gave Baby mostly all the chicken in my serving. She loooves meat. I kind of licked the sauce off of it before giving it to her. I sort of broke it up with my teeth, too. I'm like a bird, pre-chewing the food for its young. Anyway, it was sweet. She's so, so smart. I don't know how she even knew I was eating something that contained meat. It just smelled like sauce, but somehow she knew and got right in my face to get her share. She even knows when I eat soup. Yesterday I was having my albondigas soup, which has meatballs in it, but it is red and has like, seasonings and vegetables and such, so I can't imagine how she somehow discerned that it also contained meatballs! She's so, so smart. She also figured this out for wonton soup the other day. She's very smart and a cute carnivore girl.
I believe our fortunes will change and our dreams will come true. We will go back to Paris within a year. We will have money. We will be happy, healthy, and secure. I will be mentally stable. We will both have careers that we like. My family will also have what they've wanted, and not have to worry about their living situation or money. I don't have much reason to believe this, but I just do. And this is where everyone I know just tunes me out because it's soooo ridiculous to believe in God, but it's not hurting them, so mind your business. I've had so many arguments with people about this. I just don't see why it matters what someone else believes. It harms no one if I choose to believe in God. I don't let it affect my political views, I still believe in science and evolution and all that, I'm not pro-life or anything. I think most atheists think that anyone who believes in God is a fundamentalist or evangelical Christian, who will either vote for all Republican candidates and try to get abortion and gay marriage banned, and get prayer in schools, or else try to convert them to their religion. I am none of those things, I'd never do any of those things, but still I get told that it's "stupid", "silly", and that I am ignoring "reality" and living in a "fantasy world" simply because I believe in the God of my understanding. I'm so fucking sick of it. Really, if you look at any atheist websites or youtube videos or anything, the way they talk about believers is just so shitty and they're so condescending and arrogant. It's obnoxious. Guess what, you can believe in God and still be educated and intelligent and liberal!!!
Anyway. My point was that the only thing that makes me confident the tides will turn and things will get better for me and my family and loved ones is that I pray a lot and I don't believe that my God is going to let things stay this shitty for much longer. I just think she's going to reward us for suffering for so long, and she knows we're good people and don't deserve to always be miserable and broke and all that. She wants us to be happy and is going to facilitate that. Not sure how, but she will.
Not that I'd be happy if I wasn't broke. But it'd be one huge worry off my mind. But I have something wrong with me that I am just hoping the current chemical cocktail I am on can fix. If not, I will just have to try something else..or maybe transcranial magnetic stimulation. I don't want to think about that. I am counting on this to work. It was such luck, and so much work, to even get this medication, that it has to work.
I am going outside to smoke, as I do every morning I'm at my mother's. Last night I got really upset about Rocky. I was watching an episode from season 2 of Breaking Bad where a baby had just been born and people were oohing and aahing over it and taking care of it and I just wanted to scream. Rocky was my baby, and he's DEAD. My son is DEAD. How can that be? It just doesn't make sense, and I just started freaking out. I miss him so much. So much. It just hurts so much and seems so unreal. I took some Klonopin and eventually fell asleep. But that fact, that my son is dead, is still there in the back of my mind and I have to keep fighting it from making me freak out again all day, every day. It's hard.
You should probably just not bother reading this. What purpose does it serve? So you can judge me some more? Take satisfaction in the fact that my life is still shitty, and, in your view, it's still my fault? Criticise the way I'm living it, or other people in my life live their lives? Tell me I'm too upset about my cat, it was only a cat, human beings are more important? I'm sorry, that's just not true. He meant more to me than most human beings. He knew me better, he accepted me better, and he loved me unconditionally, which is much more than most people I know can say.
I love my Rocky, he was my son, and I always will, and you will never understand it because you didn't have the relationship I did with him. Nobody ever had what we had together. He was my angel kitty, sent to me to help me and comfort me and keep me going, and I feel like I failed him. I just hope he knows how sorry I am and how much I love him and always will..