Real Like A Plastic Bouquet (glortw) wrote,
Real Like A Plastic Bouquet

at the end of every hard-earned day people find some reason to believe.

A few years ago, when I still had my car, I would often get into my really sad mood, the previously mentioned "bad place", sometimes after dropping friends off, or for no real reason..and I'd always put Darkness On The Edge of Town in and play numbers 3 and 5, "Something In The Night" and "Racing In The Streets". I would just play them over and over and over. I hadn't listened to these songs in years, but I am listening now because I feel as fucking low as I can remember. Part of me listens to these songs and is like just grateful that someone like this exists, and I feel like I don't want to give up on trying to keep living because I always wanted so bad to make music, since I was 5..but then I realise it's all so stupid and unlikely. I was always meant to be a failure. And have proven that over and over again. I have never accomplished anything important ever. Instead I've ruined relationships and hurt people who didn't deserve it and squandered any potential I ever had. I just think I shouldn't have existed. The same way when they do an amnio or whatever it is called and they can tell if the baby is going to be so severely impaired that it would have a horrible quality of life and advise the mother to terminate the pregnancy, I wish that the doctors had some sort of test to be able to see that this baby would grow up to have something wrong with their brain and never be able to live right and would make everyone around her miserable and have to be taken care of like a small child and your lives will all be simpler and better off if you just get rid of this.

I'm sick of trying to convince people I don't even see or have a relationship with that I am genuinely ill and barely functioning and do not have the ability to do things a normal person does. Perhaps someday they will get it through their heads. I don't care anymore.

I know this is not living, and I won't do it much longer. I'm not willing to go around pretending it's okay because I'm trying not to upset the people I am close to. I'm not okay, and I'm tired of the fights and how upset it makes people when I do show how I really feel. I am tired of trying to hide it because I can't, and just end up fighting with the people I love. They would all of them, every one, be much better off if I wasn't in their lives.

I won't answer if certain people, you know who you are, go and try to ambush me by phone again. You're not putting me in any mental hospital --first of all, my poor-people insurance wouldn't cover it, LOL! And I don't need any sort of intervention.
I'm just dealing with some things.
I'm afraid this medication is not working, as I should've anticipated.
You will never know how scary it is to think you are broken and cannot be fixed.

I have very few choices, and my life just feels very close to unbearable more and more each day. I don't want to kill myself. There are 3 main reasons for that. First, I honestly am too embarrassed about the prospect of the medical examiner/coroner/whoever seeing me without clothing. That is ridiculous, but it's true. I don't want someone seeing me naked, even dead.
Second, I don't want to attempt it but fuck up and end up even worse off, in a persistent vegetative state or worse, awake but unable to communicate at all.
Third, I am too fucking ANGRY. At everyone who fucked me over. At the people who pretend they care about me but are fucking assholes and think I don't know it. At people who I know sing worse than I do but still have people fawning over them telling them how talented they are. At people who broke my heart. At people who had a responsibility, if not legal, then moral, to help me when I was completely broke or sad or whatever, and ignored it. People who were supposed to care about me more than anyone else but they flat-out ignored me, and I know for a fact wouldn't help me if I was lying on the side of the road bleeding to death. People who chose people who could never love them as much as I did instead of me. People who lied to me and cheated me and fucked me over and try to pretend that never happened or that they're different now, but still keep showing me they're exactly the same. People who were supposed to be helping me get better but ignored what I told them and forced me to stay on the same, useless medication for 10 years. People who had tons of money when my family didn't and my family deserved it a lot more and I had to hear all about their Caribbean vacations while my mother was visiting food pantries. People who made fun of my cat. People who made fun of me when I was younger. People who told me I would never be a singer. People who told me I didn't have it in me to ever be anything. People who told me I was ridiculous for the dreams I had.
Etc, etc.
For now, that fury is stronger than anything else. I want to prove people wrong, I want to rise above the assholes I know and knew, I want to get out of this and make them feel stupid for doubting me.

I just keep getting pulled back down by my mind. It wants to like wrap me up like a spider will wrap its prey all up in its web & shit. It is determined that I stay miserable and bogged down and on the edge of taking every pill in the house.
I won't, though.
Because man, am I angry.
There are so many ASSHOLES and people stupider than me or meaner than me, and they don't have a brain for an enemy. I shouldn't be dealing with this, on top of everything else.
I should be making the best of things and trying to live the best life I can with my financial and residential circumstances.
And I know my life would be a great deal easier, even with all the turmoil about where I'll live and money, if I was okay, mentally.
I'm not.
But I'm not resigned to staying like that.
Because FUCK THAT, seriously, you're going to tell me I was this bright, outgoing, "let me sing in front of my first grade class and introduce myself to random people in banks" kid, and then this is how it ends? Spent 3 years addicted to heroin, get clean, get not even 2 months shy of 3 years off heroin, and die?
I'm not okay with that. Besides, come on, to die at 27? What is this, 1971? I'm not famous yet. Not willing to die without even TRYING to make something of myself.

So this has to get better.
If I keep feeling the same then I will just have to tell this honestly to the doctor when I see him on the 11th or 12th, one of those, I forget, anyway, and tell him honestly I think I need to try the 9 mg. And if that doesn't work? Then I will have to examine the possibility of TMS. And tell him that. That I'm not staying on a medication for years that I know doesn't help me. Been there, done that, that's how I ended up on heroin, because I was so frustrated and felt so shitty and trapped. Not spending another 10 years on a useless antidepressant.
But I'm not accepting this one as useless yet.
It's probably been like a month.
I'm giving it more time.
Then I'll be honest with the doctor and tell him it's really kind of very important to me that I feel better soon, and sorry, but yoga isn't what's helpful for a mind this damaged, but could we please try the next dose? I'll give up cheddar and salami. (I may've mentioned this, but I found out I actually could still have yoghurt, so that's all that really matters.)

I have a plan.
And I have a reason to keep going.
I am not famous yet.
If I go out and get over my stage fright and then actually make some music and try to distribute it and get people listening and it fails, then I will be like, "Okay, it's not happening for me."
But if I never even try? And just have this "oh yeah I sang at karaoke and a few recitals in high school and people told me I was really good and should do something with it but I was too scared"? No.
Ca ne suffit pas. (When I tried google translating that, it said I should say "cela ne suffit pas", but since "ca suffit" is an expression, I felt "ca ne suffit pas" was just a restructuring of "ca suffit" so whatever.)

I will keep letting my anger fuel me and inspire me to keep going, and hopefully growing stronger by the day, until I, like a cartoon villain, will pop out of nowhere and take over the world.
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