I can't fucking stand this and I am TIRED OF THIS and I cannot just sit around and hope this stuff starts working and then patiently wait until I see the doctor again and calmly explain that I need a higher dose. When all he will do is tell me to do FUCKING YOGA.
I AM TOO FUCKING ANGRY FOR FUCKING YOGA.
I FUCKING HATE EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE.
I DON'T WANT TO DO FUCKING YOGA.
His job is to GIVE ME MEDICATION and if it does not work, GIVE ME A HIGHER DOSE, or a different type or option.
THAT IS ALL.
I am sick of being asked if I did yoga. I fucking tried it and I fucking hated it.
If somehow this medication DID start working, I'm fucked anyway because I have to fucking move in less than a month and I won't be able to go to the same doctor anymore, and as I've discovered, pretty much no other doctors have even HEARD OF Emsam. Even psychiatrists. Or if they have, they are against MAOIs. So I will probably have to stop taking it once I can't see my doctor anymore. The doctor at Northwestern, which is the only place my insurance would cover in my mother's area, had never heard of Emsam. I'm not going to see a doctor who hasn't even heard of what I'm on. How can you seriously be a PSYCHIATRIST and not be familiar with one of the only MAOIs in use today?
I just don't know WHAT THE HELL I am going to do.
I really can't stand dealing with my sister. My mother promised me she would take me to the library after my sister picked her up from work, in between my sister's two shifts. Then it was "oh I am so tired can you drive yourself" so fine. Then, suddenly, my sister has "things to do". So I'm just FUCKED. I never fucking go anywhere. Valerie has the car every single day, and I guarantee you the things she has to do are probably not all of a wholesome variety. Somehow even though she has the car EVERY OTHER DAY, the ONE chunk of time when I was promised it, she gets it. OF COURSE. I just want to pick up my goddamned book I ordered, which they will only hold for me for a few more days. I want a FUCKING BOOK, that is ALL, a BOOK, because unlike her, I READ, and try to better myself and exercise my brain.
But this was just TOO AUDACIOUS A REQUEST apparently.
Just like ALWAYS, what I want doesn't matter, and any promises made to me are just meaningless, when my sister says she needs or wants something. She always, always comes first. Whatever she does or wants is more important. I'm so fucking sick of this. I just want to go home. I am sick of this bullshit and having to beg, borrow, and steal to get to the goddamned LIBRARY! That's ridiculous. She has a fucking 2 hour break in between when she ends one shift and has to leave for the next. She has "errands" to run for 2 hours, huh? Bullshit. She's just an asshole, and whatever I want or need is never, ever important enough. I can't even tell you how many times I will be out with my mother, or have plans with her, and we have to stop what we are doing, or cancel whatever we had planned to do, because my sister has some reason she has to use the car.
I hate being here. I can only stand it when Ray is here or I don't have to have anything to do with my sister.
A person might get sick of just sitting at home all the time. They might want to get out of the house, even for just 15 minutes to go right up the road to the LIBRARY so they can have a book to help them escape their shitty life. But that doesn't matter to anyone, my mother or my sister.
I'm just tired of always coming last. IN EVERYONE'S LIVES. Every member of my family shows me repeatedly how unimportant I am to them. My mother has done a lot for me, and I know she loves me, but when my sister is involved, there's no contest, she will always choose my sister.
My only fucking real friend, my best friend, said when she returned from California we would hang out. What a big surprise, she's been back since the 29th and not once mentioned hanging out. She can't even email me back. I wrote her like 6 days ago or something. No reply. I know what she does with her time and it's nothing too important to write her best friend back. It's just because I'm never as important to other people as they are to me, ever. Even my boyfriend doesn't get how desperately I want him to come here already. I don't want to be pushy so I try not to pressure him or say how much I wish he'd come over tonight. But I hate being without him, and I'm fucking bored, and it just makes things easier to be with him. He thinks of it as saving money, I guess, the longer we wait until we see each other, the longer until he'll have to spend money. But he's already spending money buying food for himself. When he comes here, I have food for him, at least for a few meals. He just needs time to write and be apart. I know I am a handful to be around all the time. But I really hate being here with my mother and having to jump through hoops and beg just to get a ride to the library. I just miss my boyfriend, our house, sanity, tranquility.
I just found out that this focus group I was scheduled for in a week or two was postponed. "Maybe in October" the message said. So the only cash at all that I will ever have in the foreseeable future just got taken away. It just gets better and better!!
I am just so, so angry. It's not even the library thing, that just..made me freak out. Because I was told I could do something, and then because of my sister's life being more important than mine, the rug got pulled out, and I was just already feeling fucking shitty today and fed up and frustrated with the state of my life.
I'm really sick of the type of comments I have been receiving and I have no choice but to make this friends-only, so the next time I write you will have to log in to view it. It's not complicated. Just have to put in your name and password on the main livejournal page, then go to my specific journal.
Maybe I just won't write. It serves absolutely no purpose. I think I am deluded if I think it fosters any sort of understanding of my life for my father. I can't ever communicate what my life is like through this. He doesn't respond to my text messages or emails half the time, I never see him..it's just pointless to think if I try to explain things in here that it will make any sense to him or anyone. I just have nowhere else to ever say anything about anything because my boyfriend and mother already hear it all the time and I can't keep subjecting them to that. They have their own problems and I can't be freaking out all the time to them because I don't want to drive them away.
My mother, as I said, has already told me she won't listen to certain things I have said about Rocky's death. I think that's fucked up. How I feel is how I feel, and to say I can't even fucking say them to my own mother..Ray is fed up with hearing them too, I just need to stop beating myself up and know how good I was to him..they just don't GET IT, and never, ever will. I watched him collapse and I was there when he died. I held his corpse. They didn't. They didn't treat him like he was their own flesh and blood since he was 11 weeks old. They didn't worry about him and pray for him and love him more than anything in this world. I know that to them, he was just a pet. Sad that he died, but nothing tragic. But for me nothing could be more tragic. Maybe if my parents or sister or Ray died. He WAS my son, I could not have loved him more, and I can't ever stop feeling like I failed him, and didn't protect him and keep him safe. It feels unbelievably shitty and I'm really pissed off that the only two people I have to talk to both tell me they're sick of hearing it. My mind is already a cesspool, full of horrible thoughts and worries and fears and negative things I am constantly fighting to push back so they don't overwhelm me. Now I have this, knowing my boy is dead and I did not keep him safe when that is what a parent is supposed to do. It is always there, and I am always feeling bad about it and apologising to him. It'll never be enough. Not until I die and see him again and can know he forgives me. Until then this is a chunk taken out of my heart that will never be replaced and a sadness that will always gnaw at me and extremely heavy guilt. And all I can do is try to think of other things, to try to ignore it, and that's very very hard for me.
and I'm so tired of it.
I'm so, so tired of being told to "try to think of positive things instead!". My mind does not work that way. It knows what's fake and what's real. Anytime I ever try to think of positive things it senses bullshit and knows I am trying to put one over on it. It knows I am trying to trick it. And won't fall for it. Negative things are the REALITY thus that is what my mind is filled with.
Basically every single thing about my life is fucked up and not how I want it to be. The only things that are how I want them to be are that my family is alive, and I have Ray and Baby.
Every other thing is wrong and difficult.
It's just all such bullshit. Whenever I see my therapist I don't think I ever make clear to her how fucked up things really are. Because we just talk about tiny, dumb things, like trying to be a good listener to my boyfriend. That's very nice, but it doesn't fucking fix me, or make me want to live. It's like we just don't even bother with the big issues, because everybody knows nobody has the ability to fix those. I don't bother telling her how often I get like this and how HARD EVERYTHING IS and how much I want to give up and/or get high. Because it serves no purpose, she has no magic answer, and there's nothing anyone can do.
Except keep hoping the medication starts working.
That seems to be about the only option I have.
It's getting very tiresome and is failing to make me want to keep going. Because I am starting to doubt it ever will.
I'm just so tired of being like this, feeling like this, acting like this, living like this.
I don't want to do it anymore.
I just want to be different. I hate this person. I'm so, so, so ANGRY.
How am I supposed to live? With this going on in my head, and depending on my mother for food, my boyfriend for money, when neither of them should have to do that, or really can? I want this to stop. I want to get better, just not BE LIKE THIS anymore.
I am just so tired. of everything.
I can't deal with it.
I guess I'll take ol' reliable klonopin. I don't take it every day, but I have freaked out at least twice in the last week so this will be the third time in a week and I am scared of getting addicted. I mean, my prescription says to take up to 4 a day. So I'm still taking less than that..but I really don't need to have to worry about benzo withdrawal or something. But they never get me high or make me feel good. It just helps me sleep. And all I want, all I can do, when I am this angry and on the verge of throwing things or screaming at people who don't deserve it is just to sleep.
So that's what I'll do.
And maybe things will look better when I wake up.
But probably not.