Real Like A Plastic Bouquet (glortw) wrote,
"It is the only thing in my day when I don't feel like I'm ..drowning."
The person who said this was describing an affair she was having, but it can be applied to a variety of situations.
That's how I feel about being with Ray.
It's the only time I don't feel like I am drowning. I feel like he is my anchor, and as long as he's there, and I know he believes in me, I can't give up.
He would probably kill me if he knew I was putting this in a public forum, but really, it's not like some well-read popular blog thousands read.
He wrote me an email and said:
"I was listening to The Smiths, and the last song was "Asleep" and it made me really sad remembering how that's like your favorite song by them. Please don't ever just give up on life. I really think you are destined for great things and to be happy. I can't stand to think of you just ending your life or something like that....You are very good and loving and caring. You are also very beautiful and talented. And I'm certainly no prize, yet you always build me up and you take good care of me. I wish you could see how good you are."
(For anyone who doesn't know, I was obsessed with "Asleep" for a long time, and still kind of am. I quoted it in Anderson Alternative's high school yearbook, though not a part that would make it obvious what I really meant. The specific parts I always loved said "sing me to sleep, i'm tired and i i want to go to bed......don't try to wake me in the morning cause i will be gone..don't feel bad for me, i want you to know, deep in the cell of my heart, i will be so glad to go..sing me to sleep, sing me to sleep, i don't want to wake up on my own anymore...there is another world. there is a better world..well there must be..")
I thought that I would want to play this as I started to die, and maybe even have it on repeat for whoever found me. I'd listen to it on repeat and just kind of rock back and forth and it was such a beautiful and perfect song. Because that's how I felt..I just didn't want to wake up on my own anymore..I would be so glad to go...and maybe I shouldn't have told my boyfriend that was my favourite song, because he often worries I'm going to kill myself. I know that he wants to be moving forward in life, focusing on positive things. And worrying about your girlfriend killing herself isn't conducive to upward mobility. It doesn't help one to focus on the important things, like furthering one's career, and staying mentally healthy. How could someone be mentally healthy if they're worried their girlfriend might off herself when they're apart?
I get in places where I feel I have to, it's my destiny, and I will, and I start planning, thinking I will take a shower so I'm clean and not hairy and put makeup on and my best outfit, and print out my saved note, and arrange everything..but I never do it. And I won't. It's just an area my mind likes to go to because things are shitty for me now, both in my head and in real life.
But I just hate that Ray ever worries about that.
I need to be strong and be the type of girlfriend who can help him, not make him worry and upset him.

But just reading his email made me smile and want to keep going because I know he knows me and that's ..and nobody else does like he does. Not since my ex-best friend J did I feel completely close and open and honest with anyone, that they totally accepted me and knew all my OCD crazy things I do and the paranoid thoughts I have and the secret dreams I have of being a famous singer and songwriter and how many people I really hate but am nice to and how many bad things I've done and how my mind works and tries to trick me..I don't miss her so much anymore because she's gone. The best friend I had changed like she'd been invaded by a body-snatcher, which happens all too often with twentysomething girls, especially with their very first serious relationship. They get brainwashed or just lost in their relationship, and it becomes all-consuming and they drop everyone else. She put bros before hos. Fine. The girl I was best friends with since sixth grade wouldn't have done that. She'd be here holding my hand and letting me cry on her shoulder about Rocky, who she rescued multiple times when he got out. But she's gone. I accept she will never be in my life again, and is no longer the girl she was when we were best friends.
I have a new best friend, who I know will never fuck me over, because we've stuck by each other through many, many men. And I have Ray, who is my male best friend, my other half, who knows EVERYTHING about me, even the things I'd be embarrassed to tell Michelle. Though there aren't many, there are a few. And I think you're just naturally closer to someone that you cuddle with, sleep with, etc, if you're already best friends with them. It's a level of intimacy the closest platonic friends will never have.
Being best friends with your partner is the best thing, and I'm just so grateful that he still thinks of me as his best friend, after all I put him through. Everything I've done, all the freaking out and crying and screaming and refusing-to-leave-the-doorway-because-I-don't-have-the-right-image-in-my-head. He's stayed, because we have a bond. I like to say he recognised it when I referenced "Yesterday" originally being called "Scrambled Eggs", or when I mentioned a vig, as in paying the vig on a loan from a mobster or whatever. He was so surprised that "a rich girl from Blue Bell" (though I am pretty fucking far from rich, having seen the house I grew up in and knowing my father was an attorney, he thinks of me as having grown up rich, and really, compared to many of my classmates, I did. Until my father left, we were good.) anyway, he was just like "Hey, I can't believe you knew the term 'vig'! You're so smart." (Yes, knowledge of mob movie terminology indicates intelligence, in our world.)
Just little moments like that, I like to remind him of, because they're things I think the other girl he was dating before he met me wouldn't have known. She was rather a bit of an airhead. With a pointy chin.
I guess I feel like I need to try to remind him I'm smart, because he's the smartest guy I've ever known, let alone dated. He just doesn't feel the need to go around showing it off. I read all these people's political diatribes or brags about the movies or musical artists they like and I'm just like, "God, my boyfriend could tear them to shreds. But he just chooses not to. He'd rather just laugh at them with me, because he knows he's smart, and doesn't have to go around proving it." He only argues with people whose views truly upset and offend him, like neo-Nazis or militant atheists who think all non-atheists are rednecks who think the world is only 6 thousand years old and homosexuals are evil. He defends his beliefs to idiots who need schooling, on occasion, but mainly he just acts like a regular guy, and only I really get to see just how brilliant he is. In his writing, of course, but also just the hours-long conversations we often have. He'll get all riled up about something and just talk and talk about it, and he is so articulate and so well-read I just can't believe he chose me. Me. I don't think if I read every book he's read I could be as smart as he is. He's just naturally smart. His brain works differently than most people's.

I don't know what my point was.
Just he sent me an email that made me feel a little better and I'm very grateful he is my boyfriend.
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