I wish bands like The Hold Steady and The Gaslight Anthem would realise they'll never come close to being anywhere near as good as Bruce Springsteen.
I have to see the doctor Wednesday and therapist Thursday. And basically nothing at all to report. I haven't done anything, there's been no progress, no change. I don't have any energy. I just cry a lot. My boy is gone. I don't care about anything else.
I just can't stop thinking about Rocky. I keep looking at pictures of him and it's just so bizarre. He was alive then. He's dead now. I held him after he was dead. I can't stop remembering his eyes open and how different his body felt. I can't stop remembering that horrible, horrible day. I keep looking at his photos and I can't stand it. I can't stand not being able to hold him and pet him and tell him I love him so, so, so, so, so, much. How can I keep living for unknown years and years and never get to touch him again? What if he doesn't know just how much I love him? I just MISS HIM SO MUCH and all anyone says is "I know" or "Stop obsessing". WHAT THE FUCK ELSE CAN I DO? I MISS MY LITTLE BOY WHO WAS EVERYTHING TO ME. He didn't deserve this, and it's just so, so awful. And I think these people forget I HAD TO EXPERIENCE THIS ALONE. I heard his death rattle, I drove frantically trying to get him to the vet before he died, I held his dead body. These people do not have these memories that won't stop their constant loop in my mind. They do not understand how horrible it was and how unfair. He was so, so good and loving and innocent. Just so innocent. And he's fucking DEAD at 13. It was so fast. I just don't know how to stop crying and missing him and thinking about him. I thought that I was doing better, trying to go out at least once a week, watching a lot of television on my computer, reading.. but it was some sort of temporary forgetfulness or something. It all came back and it all hurts again. I am just in disbelief and shock and so sad all over again. I don't know what to do.
There's just so little good in my life. So very little to ever look forward to or make me want to ever wake up.
But I love Baby. She needs me..and the last thing Ray needs is a dead girlfriend..
I just don't know what to do, how to try to make myself excited for any sort of future when mine is dark and bleak and full of the same misery as the past.