Real Like A Plastic Bouquet (glortw) wrote,
  • Mood: blank
  • Music: "For You" Bruce Springsteen

and your strength is devastating in the face of all these odds

I am really so glad that Utorrent exists, and of course the excellent site I discovered where I've never gotten a bad anything. Mostly all shows and movies are there. I found Damages (which BLOCKBUSTER DOES NOT CARRY!), and Lena Dunham's first movie (though I ended up having to delete it to make more space, and never saw it. I hate Girls a lot, but wanted to see it. I'll re-download it at some point.) I just spend a lot of time watching television. I don't feel bad. It keeps my mind off things. Since I discovered my wonderful torrent site, I've watched all the seasons of Sex and the City (even though it is ridiculous and stupid), Grey's Anatomy, Sleeper Cell, Damages (up til the current episode, which isn't available yet :( ), and a few others I can't seem to remember. Do you know how many hours it takes to watch 8 seasons of a 45-minute show? It boggles the mind how much time I've spent watching shows. But, I'd probably be crying and freaking out even more if I didn't. I need to not think. That is what I need most. And obviously the best way to accomplish that is by getting fucked up..but that's not an option. So, TV. I read, still, too. I like to get engrossed in stupid magazines, and I always am reading a book. I took out Lorrie Moore's Like Life from the library cos I was sure I hadn't read it, but now, 4 pages from the end, I realise I have. Oh well. Her stories are such a pleasure that I don't really mind. Besides, it was years ago. I think she's the best living short-story author besides Alice Munro. Third would be Jean Thompson. Incredibly interesting, I'm sure.

I wish bands like The Hold Steady and The Gaslight Anthem would realise they'll never come close to being anywhere near as good as Bruce Springsteen.

I have to see the doctor Wednesday and therapist Thursday. And basically nothing at all to report. I haven't done anything, there's been no progress, no change. I don't have any energy. I just cry a lot. My boy is gone. I don't care about anything else.

I just can't stop thinking about Rocky. I keep looking at pictures of him and it's just so bizarre. He was alive then. He's dead now. I held him after he was dead. I can't stop remembering his eyes open and how different his body felt. I can't stop remembering that horrible, horrible day. I keep looking at his photos and I can't stand it. I can't stand not being able to hold him and pet him and tell him I love him so, so, so, so, so, much. How can I keep living for unknown years and years and never get to touch him again? What if he doesn't know just how much I love him? I just MISS HIM SO MUCH and all anyone says is "I know" or "Stop obsessing". WHAT THE FUCK ELSE CAN I DO? I MISS MY LITTLE BOY WHO WAS EVERYTHING TO ME. He didn't deserve this, and it's just so, so awful. And I think these people forget I HAD TO EXPERIENCE THIS ALONE. I heard his death rattle, I drove frantically trying to get him to the vet before he died, I held his dead body. These people do not have these memories that won't stop their constant loop in my mind. They do not understand how horrible it was and how unfair. He was so, so good and loving and innocent. Just so innocent. And he's fucking DEAD at 13. It was so fast. I just don't know how to stop crying and missing him and thinking about him. I thought that I was doing better, trying to go out at least once a week, watching a lot of television on my computer, reading.. but it was some sort of temporary forgetfulness or something. It all came back and it all hurts again. I am just in disbelief and shock and so sad all over again. I don't know what to do.

There's just so little good in my life. So very little to ever look forward to or make me want to ever wake up.
But I love Baby. She needs me..and the last thing Ray needs is a dead girlfriend..
I just don't know what to do, how to try to make myself excited for any sort of future when mine is dark and bleak and full of the same misery as the past.

I'll try.
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